Saturn Ascends; Transits Again.
I have been waiting for this for months- at long last, this Friday, October 5th, 2012, Saturn will exit Libra and enter Scorpio.
Saturn is the planet of boundaries and rules, the planet of obstacles, domination, discipline, responsibility, organization, structures, and tests. He is also the planet representing Father Time (Saturn is Kronos, or Cronus, or Chronos). Saturn represents the tyrannical, abusive father figure, and perhaps even the oppressive patriarchal God of the early scriptures. His day is Saturn, Saturn’s Day, Saturday, the Holy Day, the Sabbath. He is a melancholic titan, the father who ate his children, and his element is lead. Some view this myth as the metaphor for the alchemical transmutation of gold into lead. Some say this alchemy is indeed the old devouring the young: the “fattened elder ruling class” stealing their wealth from the future of their educated, hard-working, enslaved, and indebted children, as happens occasionally… however, on a more positive note, some say this alchemy is to be done in one’s spiritual journey- that one must transform the dark leaden parts of one’s soul into gold. In any case, when Saturn appears, it is time to be tested, to face facts, reality, and responsibility, and to play by his rules if you want to get anywhere.
Saturn comes back around about every 30 years in the cycle of the Zodiac. He spends about two and a half years in each sign. Every planet has a certain sign in which it is exalted- where it is most powerful. For Saturn, this is Libra. This means a time of trials for everyone, especially in relationships, as Libra governs balanced partnerships. Yet Saturn in Libra has been particularly hard, in many ways, on the sign exactly opposite of Libra in this Zodiac wheel, and the sign, astrologically speaking, therefore most “oppositionally” tested by Saturn: Aries.
My Iakov went to an astrologer during this period who explained how, during this time, every sign has had some troubles with relationships, but most particularly Aries. For many Aries, relationships crumble in horrid, dramatic fashion. This is true for myself, Iakov, and almost any other Aries I know. His relationship with his wife ended during this time, and the nightmare I had with Luken ended as well. If the relationship of an Aries did not crumble, or become horribly disfigured and marred in some way during this time, then it has become beautiful and strong after having found the knowledge that they have the strength to overcome trials together in real love.
Iakov is a double Aries, so he will experience some greater ease come this Friday, and the focus will move from his former partnership with his wife to new, transformative sexual relationships, and the psychic, psychological, occult, and regenerative parts of life. I am an Aries with Scorpio rising, so it may be that Saturn will not only go easier on me when entering Scorpio, but also help me out. I feel like I’ll be able to navigate that much better.
As Saturn leaves my twelfth house in Libra and enters my ascendant- my first house, Scorpio- he will move from testing the secret otherworld, fantasies, psychic abilities, the hidden of institutions, and my karma, to testing and improving my somewhat Scorpion identity. This will be a time of healing. Saturn is the planet of rules, so I have to learn how to work with them- I have to learn how to work with the rigid structure of the skeleton over which he presides in order to reap his benefits- but I feel that we will start working together. This will improve my “identity” and place in the world.
My Saturn return will occur in a few years. A Saturn return is when Saturn comes back around to where it was located when one is born- what is called its natal position. As I said, this takes about 29-30 years. Some are afraid of this, because this is when he really shows you your karma, and asks what you will have with the rest of your life. I am not afraid, and I think that he gave me a very good chance to prepare for that with this ghastly nonsense we’ve been squabbling over while he’s in Libra, and the help he’ll be giving me and my position in Scorpio.
Saturn will also be crossing my natal Pluto soon, and favorably so… he will be crossing the natal Pluto of many in my generation. Pluto, in Scorpio, brings death to all that is mysterious or taboo. It’s a sexual shocker- think of all that came to a head, that finally showed itself and would no longer be covered up, when we were born. As Saturn meets with our natal Pluto, these planets will help us in our intense discoveries in taboo areas.
Yet there is one thing that this Saturn transit means for me most of all, and what I would advise everyone to consider. I have heard it from astrologers and I can see from my own personal signs and communications that it must be true. Saturn rising up from the bottom of this circle that is the Zodiac, from his position of exaltation in the trials of Hell, and back on up toward the beginning and Aries- starting with Scorpio- means that we must forgive.
I have been trying my best to figure out how to forgive by Friday. I have been trying to forgive God, Ganymede, my abusive ex, my abusive family, and everyone in between. Everyone I ever met inside of God’s body who ever wronged me or hurt me. And I have been trying to forgive myself. You see, the world is a reflection of our inmost self- my world is a reflection of me. Iakov tells me not to blame myself for all that has gone wrong- after all, that would be the opposite of forgiveness.
To explain this further- last Christmas, I had one of my most awful nightmares. The sort which I have often, and have had more and more often since shortly before that Christmas when hearing the constant abuse of my neighbors. No one but a therapist really needs the exact details of this repetetive, yet varying dream- so I’ll just say that, someone (sometimes it is someones) was hurting me in such a way that I shall never forget it in all of my days.
Whenever I wake from these dreams, I know that they are just dreams- and most people would dismiss them summarily. Yet I am one of those who also knows that dreams are real, in their own way. There are those who feel dreams are more real than waking life. And whatever the case, while I am in dreams, they are real then. And then, God is there. God is omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient, and so on. Everything I see in these dreams is God- everyone I ever meet, in them, I see God. Everything they ever say- in that, I hear God. Some preachers or philosophers say this is meant to help us forgive and understand and love even more. On the contrary, I often just get mad at God instead. He is everything that has ever hurt me and everything that has ever helped me.
In this dream, on Christmas morning, the morning of our saviour’s birth and the morning of my great torture, I cried out to the man hurting me, “Why are you doing this?” I cried out this query over and over. My limbs began to flail as if that would make the terrible situation disappear. And so it did- the entire world disappeared around me. I found myself in a state akin to that of my wildest hallucinations. I was between everything. I was everything. I was the greatest heights of all space, looking through rays of light and atoms and the giant arms of galaxies. It was fairly nonsensical, but I could tell that I was seeing the fabric of reality. My shouting of this demanding question continued as my arms continued to flail, both my human arms, which now seemed almost nonexistent, and my arms on a much grander scale. And then normal surroundings came into view again, and I realized that I had been dreaming. My limbs were jerking lightly, and, instead of shouting, the question was coming out of my mouth in murmurs as it does when one talks in one’s sleep. I had been staring and shouting at the man in my dream, across from me- but when I woke, I was angrily demanding “Why are you doing this!?” of my reflection in the mirror directly across from my bed.
I know very well that the world is my own reflection, you see. I know that just as God is omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent, so am I, and we are One. I am One with my entire reflection. So, as I hate God, and all the people who hurt me, so do I hate MySelf. But now I am trying to forgive. I often wonder if I ever can, when I remember all the things we have done. Some tell me to pray for my enemies. Which is fine. But I think what helped most was, indeed, when Iakov said not to blame myself.
Surely I can love myself, yes? For even if I am all those Omni words, I never meant for the world to contain all these nightmarish things. And that makes me hate myself in another way- why was I not powerful enough to stop it? Why am I so talentless and helpless in that regard? But again- I shouldn’t blame myself.
It seems an awful lot to forgive by Friday. But I am trying. I have been trying. I have been feeling separate from God- even a highly amateurish and misguided psychic noticed- but I am still trying.
One of the nice things about the universe we’ve created is art, of whatever kind. I mostly do theatre, but I love all kinds. Sometimes I look at the art and I hate that I love it, because I know that it is a result of this khaos whence We Am. It is a constant reinterpretation of OurSelf, a rearranging of our pieces, and, if I am going to hate MySelf, I hate that I should love art. A man recently told me, in the midst of my self-hatred, that I am one of the most beautiful, intelligent, exceptional, whatever-and-so-on, women he’s ever met in all his life, and that I need to turn my pain into art to help others. Which of course made me angry. But I want to heal, yes?
And art is so healing. I will undoubtedly continue my work there. Now, I’ve mentioned before that I find spiritual healing in music. I once included a song by one of my favorite spiritual artists. I shall do so again. Before I do, I will say that in my studies of neurology, I came across some rather misinformed and unsupported notions by a certain doctor regarding his disliking the particular artistic expression of music known as “heavy metal music”, that is, what he labeled as any music full of “hate and despair”. I have been meaning to write upon neurology for some time, and I feel I should do a whole other post on this topic debunking his claims. In a sad sort of hilarious way, this doctor so encourages rock’s sister, classical music, especially Mozart, which is also often full of hate and despair. I mean for Chrissake my favorite Mozart song is his Lacrimosa, which means “weeping”, and it is part of the Dies Irae, or, “Day of Anger”, sequence in the Requiem mass, which is a religious tradition meant of course for the betterment of any congregant in attendance. I also love shouting “DAY OF WRATH. DAY OF JUDGMENT!” in soprano. Conjointly, any actual scientific studies I’ve read point to the same positive results with metal music and mood, as has been evidenced in my experience and others’, studies which this doctor never conducted or referenced- it is just that he and others are so ready to judge that which they do not understand as negative. Likewise they do not try to understand at all- to understand its purgative, wonderful effect. Indeed the pain we see in art helps us in our lives. Yes, I should discuss this in another post instead of here. But for now, the song, “The Grudge”, which is not necessarily a “heavy metal” song, but perhaps metal, if labels mean anything:
Truly, this is a song which has helped myself and many others in our spiritual quest for the transmutation of our souls, and in seeking our own forgiveness. Let go as Saturn ascends. And hail Shiva, god of heavy vibrations.