Fringe Process and Recovery (And I reveal my secret identity! :O!)
It may be obvious that play production consumed my life, leaving little time for anything else since last November. As time passed, I lived and breathed my play, sleeping as little as possible. There were nights I got no sleep. I hardly wrote down anything but dreams, saving myself, my words, and my thinking only for CATAMITUS, only for Ganymede.
Even when I went out with friends, they were professional friends- I often feel my life is one which will only allow friends aligned with my professional and spiritual interests- my vocation, I suppose. I see that I am also fated to have no close friends who are not very aligned with my quest, though I have many, many friends. It’s in my stars too. And while my friends and I were out drinking, close or professional or both, even then we’d discuss our work and technical issues, and I’d be wrangling actors with mass-thumb-e-mailing on my phone.
I did still make time for a few special events with my special someone. As I’ve mentioned in this diary, after parting with Luken, it was time to deal with my polyamory. Or, as my lead (Will, the man who played my version of Ganymede) and I decided to call it- polyeroticism. He told me it didn’t make sense to put Latin and Greek roots together, and so asked me what would be a better root to use. I can’t believe Will schooled me on grammar like that! Anyhow, after Luken, I saw no reason not to love whomever I wanted, physically, at least, and so I did, and it was just fine, despite the false mores which have been so ingrained in the egoic minds of so many. I follow the Law of Love, despite what others may think. And I do take sex seriously, as do many others like me, such as Will. Sex is perhaps the most holy experience, such union being a microcosm of the macrocosm of the everlasting union of the self-loving, self-birthing Universe. Yet, while I was not looking for deep neurological bonds, just loving, positive relationships- yes, I developed a special someone. I’ll call him Iakov.
Iakov and I were just looking for fun love. I told him straight from the beginning that I’d just got out of a bad relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious- I was just going wherever my whims took me and following my heart and my body. I had no desire for a relationship, only my quest. He found this pleasing, coming from a very similar situation- he’d finally acknowledged he was done with a very bad relationship, and had moved on to happy fun with other partners as well. He didn’t want anyone that was looking for a relationship either. Yet one night turned into night after night after night, date after date after date, and we realized that we had so much in common, and our quests were so similar, and our pansexual, polyerotic, adventurous natures were so compatible, and we could talk to each other about anything. We were more naked and vulnerable with each other than we had ever been with anyone. We care for each other deeply now, and have been together for more than a year- since Fringe 2011- and we support each other through everything. Our lives keep us apart in some ways, but our souls are always together. I am glad he was there to share my company in my quest, and I with him for his, and that we will continue to do so as our quests move forward and take new forms.
After Fringe 2011, while I was enjoying love freely (but responsibly mind you), I took time to breathe for a while. I enjoyed the little things. Life slowed to a crawl while the world went on around me. I meditated, performed my asanas, and experienced further Yoga, further Union, in many ways with Ganymede, God, the Universe, the Divine. I argued with Him a lot, as I used to do- still do. I’m better about it now. I view the relationship as one I would have with someone more anthropomorphic, to whom I would take care speaking words, and mind that I should be more loving, more forgiving. I felt betrayed often, and angry most of the time, but I was happier than I had ever been as I began to develop such a close relationship with God. One I would not have previously thought possible.
Then came November. I’d looked at the world around me. I’d looked at the world within me. I’d looked at the worlds beyond and between worlds. I was being called to my quest. It was difficult for me to drag myself up out of my asceticism- it still is. It was time for me to do something. It was time for me to realize the destiny that had been set before me, of which so many people and signs had reminded me. It was time to transform the illusions of reality. Given what I knew, what I had been told, the signs I had seen, it seemed obvious to begin with theatre. Theatre will save the world, I was told. Though it had fallen through in 2011 with Luken, I knew that I would have to produce a play in 2012, and I would do it myself, though I started from nothing.
I started with nothing, but I booked my venue, wrote my play, found a director, found actors, rehearsed, stage managed, helped to make props and costumes and slide-shows, and so much more. And, being theatre, the beautiful collaborative art that it is, the more people I found, the more people I found to help me. As I focused more on my play and indeed began to live and breathe it, I had no time for frivolities that were not connected with my show, and had no time for people who were not helping me along my quest. I dropped most all of my relationships I’d been enjoying in my polyeroticism, keeping only Iakov.
I started with nothing and somehow pulled off something amazing. Yesterday I tutored someone on Fringe, so to speak, telling him about most of its aspects and my personal experience. He was worried to book a venue without all these things I’ve described. I told him I’d had nothing to start with, but I’d made it happen. Sometimes you have to take risks. And, somehow, I paid for it all. There were times I felt worried about money, pulling things off on time, everyone getting their lines on time, everyone getting choreography in on time, even getting in and out of the space on time. But I had faith in God, in Ganymede, and I told him so many times. And it all worked out, of course.
Now I have successfully produced my first play here in 2012, and I knew that I had to do something, as my director knew- we know that Now is the time to make things happen. Now is the time to change the world, and to change our worlds.
So, you may have noticed that I am no longer anonymous. It is difficult to promote oneself in my field anonymously. Years ago when I began this blog as a diary of magic so esoteric even I didn’t understand it- I began to understand it as I wrote it down- I did not expect anyone to read it, nor did I know where it would take me. It was only something to get myself doing something besides existing. I wrote vaguely and hid all my truths in metaphors easily discernible in their innate truth. I rarely gave specifics. I wanted to be as free from labels, identifications, and identity as possible. I did not want to draw attention to my identity at all. That’s one reason I like the name Kora Kaos- as I’ve mentioned, it simply means “Girl in the Void.” It was as devoid of identification as I could manage. I also didn’t want to reveal myself for the reason that I was being so brutally honest about important things in life. Then, as time went on, slowly I realized that I would have to put in details here and there to proceed in my story and my magic. So, I mentioned that I lived in Los Angeles. I mentioned that I attend theatre (big surprise considering I’d mentioned Dionysos so often). I mentioned this or that about my quest. I made a cartoon picture of myself at Pride. And, though I remained anonymous as long as possible, it was time to take off my mask. As enjoyable as it was, and is. I will continue to use the identity of Kora, here. It is still my wizard name, after all!
First, I connected my Twitter with my blog- which is very telling. Then, I began to promote my show, CATAMITUS: Love Slave to God. It used to be a secret I would only tell friends in theatre. Now I will pretend no longer that I am not Brynn Sillyman, that girl you see around in theatre, with so many labels but none of them fully accurate. Actor, Writer, Producer, Yogi, Wizard, Cleric of Ganymede- all these things describe me in a way, but ultimately mean nothing. There! You have this superhero’s secret identity.
I had read other bloggers’ reasons for keeping their identities secret, and they were good. They didn’t want to be ostracized or put their careers in jeopardy. I do not think my career is in jeopardy, nor will I be ostracized. Some are worried that calling themselves labels like witches and wizards and druids will garner them a little discrimination. Most everyone I know says it’s “cool” to my face, and they accept it and are very curious. There are those who are minorly afraid- but I never really talked to them anyway. People might call me “insane”, but if they do, they’re generally the sort who recognize that we are all quite insane, and they certainly don’t mind. Once a former lover said, “I like you and I think you’re a nice girl; I don’t care what they say about you,” which makes me wonder what “they” say about me. But I don’t care. Like Aslan says, we shouldn’t care what others think about us, because it doesn’t really mean anything. And that former lover was probably only trying to get a little jab in- I mean, really, who says that? There’s a reason we only dated for so long; our energy was not compatible.
At least he told me that my Ganymede, my water-bearing God, my Guardian Angel, my Aquarius, came to him as an alien Kachina dancer from Sirius; which was an interesting conversation. Searching for a visual representation I found this as the single result on DA for “Kachina” and “Sirius”:
There is one more thing. Pagans sometimes fear for their safety, and that is why they do not come out of the pagan closet or use their real identities online. I once read a Pagan- a Druid, I think, though he knew as well as I that labels are meaningless- say that he would no longer follow that practice, because we must have the courage to stand up for our faith and our truths. Indeed we must all stand up for them like the Christian martyrs if we must (though, mind you, never be a martyr unnecessarily; there are battles to choose and your soul to protect). He was right. Though I was never “in the closet” in my “real life”, because I just can’t shut myself off and am completely open and completely Me, I will no longer hide online.
I once had a dream that I was at a theatre party, with many of my theatre friends present. We were happy and celebrating. I looked at a man who had come before me. “Stop acting like Jesus!” he shouted at me, before raising a gun to shoot me in the head. I fell backwards into the arms of my Priest of Hermes, and he wept while I died. I felt my spirit release into the entire Universe, and I became It. Death was not so frightening then as it has been during the NDEs of my life, though I was sorry for my priest friend’s pain. As I died great disasters befell the Earth.
So for that reason, too, I have occasionally been afraid to be Me. Assassination and all that. But we cannot be afraid.
That is not the only time someone told me to stop acting like Jesus. My mother once told me the same. I didn’t understand. She was the one who raised me in Catholicism; is not being Christ-ian being Like-Christ? But she couldn’t understand the person I’d become. She’d tried to have me exorcised.
The other occasion such occurred, I was leading a young man upon a shamanic journey. He’d heard I could do it and was very excited to try. Four of us had been hanging out at a theatre and so we all went to try. I laid down a Tree of Life as I usually do, explaining the steps and the chakras along the way in colorful, metaphoric language, leading my new traveler through the process a bit like it were Church.
At this point, Luken began to interrupt. We were still together back then. His best friend and roommate was with him- the same man who had interrupted me while I was reciting the Hebrew prayers for lighting my candles at Hanukkah with much the same sorts of pronouncements. I am not usually one to call anything blasphemy- lawl I mean look at me- but Luken interrupted my service with such pronunciations as, “What’s the point? Why are you using this language? It means nothing. Why are you saying all this?” He interrupted my religious ritual, basically. He was just being rude. I became very frustrated with this interruptions and finally gave up, stalking off.
My new traveler became upset. “No, let her finish!” he said. I went off to cry somewhere, but because I could hear him arguing that he’d wanted to finish, I wiped away my tears and came back. We induced traveling. My new traveler described it in euphoric terms, saying it had been like when he’d gone on a meditation retreat. He felt peaceful and at One with everything. He told me months later that the experience changed his life, that he still thinks about it, that he is glad I took him with me.
Luken and the roommate experienced it as, “Oh, well, that’s odd,” for all I could tell, in words saying they’d experienced something, but not being changed for it.
I experienced it with some difficulty as usual. I was the last to come back. I was arguing with the spirits. The roommate thought I was arguing with him. He said, “It’ll be alright.” I waved him away. But he insisted, so I said fine, bid the spirits goodbye, and came back. By this time I had fallen down into the arms of said roommate. And Luken became incensed upon seeing me there, in the arms of another man, though perfectly platonic. He’d been drinking and became belligerent. He said, “What, who do you think you are? Stop acting like Jesus! Have you lived 145 times?” Because he has, apparently? Then he ran off, left the building, and down a couple of streets, before falling down to roll around in a be-littered, gasoline-spotted gutter by a 24-hour doughnut shop. The rest of us chased after him and removed him with some difficulty, giving him the attention he so clearly wanted, because we felt we had to do so rather than leave him there.
I have no idea why I induce this kind of ire in others for trying to further Christ’s work. Life. Man.
At any rate, I move beyond all such things. Here I am. I’m Kora Kaos. I’m Brynn Sillyman. Here I am naked and vulnerable before you. See where I have been, if you choose- I expose the dark and light parts of myself, life, and God. In reading my goetic diary, witness my transformation from an abusing and abused arrogant youth full of ennui to a slightly-less-arrogant, peaceful, independent artist out to change the world, if you choose. I have a mission to transform the illusions of reality. I’ve started on my way with my play CATAMITUS. Praise Ganymede.