All Hallows’ Eve 2011
One year ago today, I made a promise to God. Like I said when last I wrote of this, it was not a human promise. It was the sort of ecstatic promise in which one is indeed standing outside of one’s human body- though at the same time I never left it. I tasted of the omnipresence of God, and felt my being expand far beyond its normal reaches. I felt my many arms twirl around much like the atoms twirl in my body, and Luna around Earth, and Earth around Sol, and Sol around the galaxy… I felt what it was like to be greater than a galaxy, whatever that is. I felt myself cross the normal boundaries of space and time and the dimensions.
And for what? So that God might get me to promise to fucking cheer up.
So that God might iterate, and reiterate, as we twirled around, until I got it through my skull, that there is no problem such as I make things out to be. Like I said, it was sort of like a slap across the face. I saw then Death, and I could have touched him. I saw him in a way I had never seen in any other near death experience, and I’ve had quite a few. He was right there before me. I could have embraced his transformation, but I did not- I chose to live. As lonely as I might have felt, as much as I might have felt down about this or that, the greater part of my own being, the Universe, revealed itself to me, extracted this promise from me, and had me work with Her until We were recreated as per normal.
I had gone into this feeling incredibly lonely, as though all persons in the world were against me and did not understand me- and maybe the ones nearest to me certainly were as such- but this vision was by no means the comfort I would have sought. It was not, “Oh! Here, look, it’s God. Let’s talk. Let me give you a hug and a cocoa and make it all better.” Like I said, it was a little more violent than that. It did not leave me feeling warm fuzzies. Yet I know it is better to know the truth than to seek out false gratification.
I had never been one to enjoy the world- to enjoy God- but had been always pessimistic since before I was a teenager. I had always dismissed the world. But, since that day one year ago, I have done what the former me would have thought unthinkable: I have tried to cheer up. And though I would have recoiled against that in the past, I must say, it works. That is to say, while I do not ignore negativity, and still value my criticism and take action to correct faults, trying to spend more time focusing on loving things will make them happen more and more often. It is not just a switch to turn on, but I do feel good about things with increasing frequency. I am no longer hovering at the bottom of the Abyss, for I certainly was. I have removed myself from my former, unpleasant and unloving situation, and am opening as a flower, joining myself with the natural Tao of the Universe. Life has more beauty, more joy, more magic, more of everything I always wanted but never thought I’d have here in this world. It has been something of a constant struggle against myself and my old habits and patterns, but I find that the more I practice, and the more I look at myself and the world honestly, and do not limit myself or the world, the better and easier it gets.
Firstly, of course, I moved out on my own. This is the first time I have lived by myself. Back then, I was thinking that if worst came to worst I would go up north a bit to my family’s summer home in the mountains, but oh my did I want to avoid ever living with family. And even though it would have been only thirty miles away from here, it would have been like living halfway across the world. I chose to move to a hotel downtown, to be right here in the thick of Los Angeles. To be right here among so many people, of so many types, and to be right here among the theatres. And oh, have I certainly seen a lot.
At first I wrote regularly because I wanted to keep up with what I was seeing at the Hollywood Fringe Festival. Once that was over, I found I did not want to write for awhile. This was for various reasons. But mostly, it was because I just wanted to enjoy myself in my new home. I have spent endless hours here exploring the ascetic side of Shiva through yoga asanas, meditation, and other means.
I acquired my home with some difficulty. After getting past a lot of nonsensical red tape thanks to the government and the banks, after a lot of stress I augmented with lots more yoga, I finally was able to move in. I mentioned once in this blog a lady who occasionally teaches me shamanic this-or-that. She gave me advice on how to purify my new home. I will share, next time, in case any reader might want to do the same for their home.
I made this home my sacred, cut-apart space, my temenos. Here I have my own temple unto Ganymede and God, and my own altar unto His whole being.
And indeed I found it because my Holy Guardian Angel made it so. It was a completely clear communication. It was a place we had visited often before, before I even quite knew who he was. Before I called him Ganymede. A previous incarnation, if you will, though there was no carne to the incarnation that I could see or touch. It is a hotel we had visited only in our dreams and visions, for hours upon countless hours. And then I come to find that it actually exists in the real world!
It is a hotel the movie stars used to stay in back in the golden age of Hollywood. And now it is haunted as fuck. I have heard many stories. All the security guards have some. And I have seen and felt so much since coming to stay here. I’ll tell you all about that too.
All Hallows’ Eve is a night upon which many say the veil between worlds is its thinnest. This is the night the spirits come close enough to touch, as I saw with Death himself last year. It is as John of Patmos says- Revelation. It is a lifting of a veil, nothing more. Anyone can see it if they try. Hail unto the Holy, Hallowed Universe, and all Her souls.