I Am Surrendering to Gravity and the Game – 6/13/11
When I began this blog, I knew I was in a place which I judged that I didn’t like, and I knew that I was complaining and whining in my ennui often. I shouldn’t judge myself there either, I know- though I often think that I should have (shoulda woulda) been more mature, more enlightened. When I was wallowing down at the bottom of the universe, looking at all the rest with dismay from my sullen solitary position, I still experienced then, as always, union with the divine. I often expressed my frustration to those closest to me, frustration that the world was not as it should be. They told me that it was, and that I ought to seek out therapy- failing that, they gave me the book The Power of Now to read. I had not for a moment considered reading that book, and did not want to do so then when I was given it, for I felt I needed no such thing, and nothing that marketed itself as it did. At my lover’s insistence, however, I read it.
I have heard some say this book is derivative, and this is so, but this is to be expected. Tolle brings together ideas from many spheres in the book, which have been around for thousands of years. Besides, nothing is new under the sun. Shakespeare or the Simpsons already did everything too. I knew as I read it that he spoke the truth, so much so that it occasionally made my ego uncomfortable- because my ego had always desired escape, and Tolle was telling me that I had to stay in the Now. Indeed, as I said in my review upon reading his other book, A New Earth, early on in this blog, when I was busy whining as usual, my criticism was that I did not feel I could be happy while the Earth was not Utopia. I had always desired to escape to Utopia, and judged the Earth most severely. I still desire Utopia (and desire is the source of suffering). But then, and now, despite my criticism, I still know that he speaks the truth. Before, I had never once imagined that I could find happiness here. Yet, after I have been practicing acceptance- for we must all work with what we have and be resourceful with what exists in reality- I have found that yes, he was correct there too- accepting makes things more acceptable.
As I worked on surrendering, I found life unfolding around me in new and wondrous ways, organically as they must do, and I found that this Earth was more and more coming to resemble the Utopia to which I had always desired to flee. It certainly is no peaceful perfect land yet, and it is different from the imagined Utopia in the thought-movies in my brain, but I can no longer deny that I am now where I am supposed to be. It seems that I must carry out my destiny here, whatever that may be, and unexpected as the circumstances may be. Though I would certainly never have planned things this way with the desires that have been the source of my suffering, I have, seemingly, begun to receive that which I wanted all along.
And though I have ever been One with God, I feel I am indeed now more awake, as some call it- the mages who compose the order which accepted me call themselves “awakened” as well. And I see this is so. Though Tolle’s books contain information we all already knew deep inside all along, he also says that we would not understand his books unless we had already begun the awakening process- that we would not see what he meant. Since I understood so much of what he said to be true as I read it the first time, I knew my awakening had begun, and I knew that it would proceed apace, unstoppable as he had claimed. I knew, though I knew all that he said already, it was important that I should indeed have decided to read that book after all.
I have also often spoken of demons in this blog, being that I so often discuss goetia, or magic. I once said, “I already had problems getting out of bed and making myself do something- if I were to lose Luken, as such extreme an occurrence had me sadly pondering though it was certainly not reality, I do not know what I would do. Perhaps you want me to consider that. Well, I can tell you it sure doesn’t make me happy. Perhaps you want me to be able to accept whatever future I would have without him. Right now, so far as I am concerned, that is a non-future. ” I knew then that it was a foolish thing to say, but I said it anyway. And so I have indeed been forced to face this demon, as I knew I would, for all things pass. That is the nature of the world. That’s how things work. Though I was- am- one with Luken, in the sense that I am One with everything, our Heavenly bodies have lost their orbit around one another and have gravitated away from one another. We have separated. Though I often feel homo sapiens become so absorbed in silly thoughts that they do not understand love and push it away unnecessarily, I cannot stop them from doing so. They will do what they will and I must let them. I loved him, and I would have worked with him, as I would want to love any partner so closely unionized to myself. Yet he deems it not so, and thus, my path has turned to a new direction- truly, it’s better this way. If he chooses not to love me, I must not love him, at least not in that way. I try to love everyone in a Jesus-y way. I realize now that my neurological bonding unto him was, in the end, unhealthy- the end really brought that home in a literally and physically violent way.
This is not so bad. I cried, of course, but it is not as though I died or anything. I do not need another person to complete myself. This is the way of love- we do not get to keep people forever. Especially when they change, or when we see who they really are. And now that I have left him and thus ended our monogamy (which was a mistake for us to enter into after a perfectly good open quality to our relationship- and my confession that I am not a monogamous person at heart, this true and perfectly honest desire that is a part of my very being, I am sure helped to signal the end of my turned-shallow-and-bitter relationship with Luken, despite how he otherwise voiced and physically enacted his reasonings) I am free to begin polyamory once more. I will not shy away from love despite the fact that all things pass and other persons are not necessary for the completion of self. I have begun new relationships with males, and I have rekindled older relationships with several females. Though I fear I haven’t all the time in the world to party with my maenads, of course.
I feel as though the energy that began when all the planets were in Aries has not quite dissipated, for I find myself always busy with action. I am not complaining, for all these things I have been doing needed to be done, and I and the world are better for it. I am merely amazed at how long I have been following one action with the next, hardly ever receiving a full night’s sleep.
What took up a good deal of my time at first, when the planets had begun their stay in the sign of war, was moving. I had to immediately find a new place of residence, secure it, and move in. Luken was incredulous that I could not, apparently, have done this in three days. I would say something impolite like, “he can stuff it” but as that is not constructive, I will merely say the amount of time it took, during this particular time period, was completely necessary, and that I had quite literally done all I could, considering the piles of bullshit bureaucracy I had to wade through. This is normal and happens to many, as I have seen evidenced, and I am lucky to have conquered and done so well, despite his opinion. I congratulate myself! Also, my new home is quite magical… I will be discussing it soon, but not just now.
After that, it became that festival time of year again. All my time now is taken up by theatre, theatre, and morrre theatre. Praise Dionysos =) I will discuss this as well, and hopefully begin posting often about this, despite the long hours I will be spending traveling back and forth between shows and events. I rather enjoyed creating the multi-colored spreadsheet that is my schedule, and I am rather looking forward to the rest.
Now, let us plunge onward into the game of life, my dear Ganymede.