Wednesday, February 16th, 2011 – समाधि
Sometimes, when I enter those “highest” states of spiritual consciousness, the only sensation which remains is that of awareness, of observing, of Self. One knows that one is oneself, but other than that…? It can be slightly horrifying. When all of one’s memories return, it feels like rebirth. It feels like one may have temporarily lost oneself. Like one did not even exist. But that would not be possible; one must always exist.
I have seen other magic practitioners get this far and then mistake that moment for a loss of self. But this is not so. All one is losing is the illusory self with which one was identified. All that is stripped away, as by the maenads of Dionysos, and one realizes how fake it is. There is no loss of ultimate Self. There is no death, only ego-death. One is always aware. One is always Self.
Sometimes it is as though I can see through things, into things, and all around them on every side all at once, in a way no cubist piece really captures, and I see the fabric and structure of reality, and the all-seeing eye… and then I dissipate into “normal” reality again. Maybe things glow and look weird for a bit, and feel as mathematically arranged as a maṇḍala, but then it goes away, and I think, “Wtf where is it now?” It was there in the past when the past was the now. But it is not here in the real now, presently. Now I must go back to living with my Self in a more human way.
I cannot meditate all of my human-time away. :/ I must live in it. And now I know the Self. I don’t think I paid as much attention as a child. I was only having fun. Now I must be more responsible. I don’t think that’s so bad under certain circumstances; it can make life more enjoyable.