Friday, January 28th, 2011 – ἥρως
I wish a happy and holy day to the one I love. May you shine ever more brilliantly.
Remembering the war again, I remember how some regarded me as “the best warrior”. Or something similar. It is no wonder I am so fond of Achilles, then. When I am on the other side, in dreams at any rate, Mars considers me so… even Dionysos has told me I am the “best at the game”. I bested all his warriors in a competition once. But what does this mean? Surely I am not superior to any other being. And what others label me gives me no more definition than any other illusory label. Besides, I do not even know how this label manifests other than in dreams- I have certainly not been the best student in my combat classes, at the very least.
As I began to ponder these coincidences- that I would so often dream throughout life that I should be labeled the best warrior- I did begin to wonder what this might mean in waking life. I could see my mind rationalizing that if I knew that I must exist, things might be different. I didn’t care about pronouncements that I was essential to the unfolding consciousness of the universe- that just equated to “blah blah blah” for me. What did I care? I was one seven billionth of that unfolding consciousness, and did not see myself as essential, so that message seemed irrelevant. Besides that, I was always judging reality (I’m getting over it, but it means I have always wanted to escape reality). Yet, if I knew I had some duty, it might be different. I might see a reason to stay, if I must stay, because I am some necessary warrior. You see, when one is merely fighting for survival, things are put into a different perspective. I fight, and live, because I must. Because otherwise I die, and so do millions of others. It does not matter if I am imperfect in such an instance, or that the world is imperfect, or that I am only one seven billionth of Shiva, because- someone damn well has to do what I do. So I do. All else is necessarily forgotten in favor of proper present action. I allowed myself to think about this even if I know the illusory nature of the label.
But anyway, I was pondering this, and not so sure if it was so that I should be the “best warrior”. I was not sure if I was really fighting and living in waking life because I was some necessary warrior, whether in my own individuated life, or some macro life- really it only seemed viable in dreams.
The label seemed far too inaccurate otherwise, far too off the mark for waking life. I had always avoided waking reality, and certainly hadn’t cared to gain mastery over any kind of thing that normally connotes warriors.
I meditated upon this with certain personal specifics. I wondered if this warrior could be me- not some hero in an epic poem somewhere, I guess. And as I meditated upon this seriously for the first time in this life, I looked up and suddenly saw, upon the metal frames of two windows on a large vehicle, three words to a frame, the following scratched-in graffitti:
KARMA KARMA KARMA KARMA KARMA KARMA
Ah. Well, I did not take this at face value at first- synchronicity, to be sure, but I could not take it at one go. In order to take it as a true message from Ganymede, or Shiva, or God (they are pretty much the only ones who “speak” to me in waking life, not that they speak, and that is a difficulty in interpreting their communication), I had to see more. So I shortly asked for a sign, as I sometimes do. I asked, that if it is my karma that I should be the best warrior in some grand conflict in my life, say, such like certain heroes were in their stories (blah, identification with heroes… is it unavoidable? I guess so), then show to me my chief spirit animal.
I also asked the universe to show me another specific animal if this was not so- I did not want to be assuming, after all. To think that I would be such a grandiose character. I had never thought of myself as such before. So… turns out, I never saw that second animal, but I saw my spirit animal several times in quick succession. However, I dismissed all these sightings, at first, because I had known they were coming. Books were sent to me, so I read them, but I had already known that a couple had the animal illustrated within their pages. I had read those books before. I thought to myself, “I technically had foreknowledge I would see my animal in those pages,” so I did not count those sightings. I continued waiting. I saw so many of these dismissed animals that I almost didn’t notice when I saw one unexpectedly… first, in a graphic, and then, the animal actually did get my attention when I walked right past a great big real taxidermied version on an afternoon stroll.
So. It appears there is something to this. Even if I still feel the label to be meaningless. Who knows to what it could possibly point? It could even merely mean that I am only as such when I am dreaming, and that it is the dreaming part of my life in which I experience this grand conflict, which would make sense. That would only mean that I would have to find some other way to stay present while awake. Oh well- even if I do not know the exact details, I am not worried; I will keep myself open to whatever form my duty might take, and go with it as I feel I must, moment by moment. Though it is strange to readjust to this version of reality. One in which I do not view reality itself as worthy of dismissal, something from which to distance myself, something to resent, but rather, something with which I must work in my own destiny. ._.
I just know that I can have faith in myself. I need fear nothing. I know everything I need to know in every moment, or I will learn it. Everything I need unfolds as I need it. It is a beautiful sort of eternal confidence. There is still fear, of course- I am human. But I am capable of moving beyond fear and pain. If I have to fight, I will. I try not to fight, but what would life be like if I did not face death now and then?