Friday, January 28th, 2011 – ἥρως

I wish a happy and holy day to the one I love.  May you shine ever more brilliantly.

Remembering the war again, I remember how some regarded me as “the best warrior”.  Or something similar.  It is no wonder I am so fond of Achilles, then.  When I am on the other side, in dreams at any rate, Mars considers me so… even Dionysos has told me I am the “best at the game”.  I bested all his warriors in a competition once.  But what does this mean?  Surely I am not superior to any other being.  And what others label me gives me no more definition than any other illusory label.  Besides, I do not even know how this label manifests other than in dreams- I have certainly not been the best student in my combat classes, at the very least.

Thetis Brings Armor

“Here sweetie, will a lolly- I mean, shield- make you feel better?”
Thetis Bringing the Armor to Achilles I, by Benjamin West

As I began to ponder these coincidences- that I would so often dream throughout life that I should be labeled the best warrior- I did begin to wonder what this might mean in waking life.  I could see my mind rationalizing that if I knew that I must exist, things might be different.  I didn’t care about pronouncements that I was essential to the unfolding consciousness of the universe- that just equated to “blah blah blah” for me.  What did I care?  I was one seven billionth of that unfolding consciousness, and did not see myself as essential, so that message seemed irrelevant.  Besides that, I was always judging reality (I’m getting over it, but it means I have always wanted to escape reality).  Yet, if I knew I had some duty, it might be different.  I might see a reason to stay, if I must stay, because I am some necessary warrior.  You see, when one is merely fighting for survival, things are put into a different perspective.  I fight, and live, because I must.  Because otherwise I die, and so do millions of others.  It does not matter if I am imperfect in such an instance, or that the world is imperfect, or that I am only one seven billionth of Shiva, because- someone damn well has to do what I do.  So I do.  All else is necessarily forgotten in favor of proper present action.  I allowed myself to think about this even if I know the illusory nature of the label.

But anyway, I was pondering this, and not so sure if it was so that I should be the “best warrior”.  I was not sure if I was really fighting and living in waking life because I was some necessary warrior, whether in my own individuated life, or some macro life- really it only seemed viable in dreams.

Dream Warrior

Dream Warrior – IsaiaBDAY, by Kimchi Crusader

The label seemed far too inaccurate otherwise, far too off the mark for waking life.  I had always avoided waking reality, and certainly hadn’t cared to gain mastery over any kind of thing that normally connotes warriors.

Spring Collections

Spring Collections: Chanel, Haute Couture. This is all most think when they look at me, not warrior.

I meditated upon this with certain personal specifics.  I wondered if this warrior could be me- not some hero in an epic poem somewhere, I guess.  And as I meditated upon this seriously for the first time in this life, I looked up and suddenly saw, upon the metal frames of two windows on a large vehicle, three words to a frame, the following scratched-in graffitti:

KARMA KARMA KARMA          KARMA KARMA KARMA

Ah.  Well, I did not take this at face value at first- synchronicity, to be sure, but I could not take it at one go.  In order to take it as a true message from Ganymede, or Shiva, or God (they are pretty much the only ones who “speak” to me in waking life, not that they speak, and that is a difficulty in interpreting their communication), I had to see more.  So I shortly asked for a sign, as I sometimes do.  I asked, that if it is my karma that I should be the best warrior in some grand conflict in my life, say, such like certain heroes were in their stories (blah, identification with heroes… is it unavoidable?  I guess so), then show to me my chief spirit animal.

I also asked the universe to show me another specific animal if this was not so- I did not want to be assuming, after all.  To think that I would be such a grandiose character.  I had never thought of myself as such before.  So… turns out, I never saw that second animal, but I saw my spirit animal several times in quick succession.  However, I dismissed all these sightings, at first, because I had known they were coming.  Books were sent to me, so I read them, but I had already known that a couple had the animal  illustrated within their pages.  I had read those books before.  I thought to myself, “I technically had foreknowledge I would see my animal in those pages,” so I did not count those sightings.  I continued waiting.  I saw so many of these dismissed animals that I almost didn’t notice when I saw one unexpectedly… first, in a graphic, and then, the animal actually did get my attention when I walked right past a great big real taxidermied version on an afternoon stroll.

So.  It appears there is something to this.  Even if I still feel the label to be meaningless.  Who knows to what it could possibly point?  It could even merely mean that I am only as such when I am dreaming, and that it is the dreaming part of my life in which I experience this grand conflict, which would make sense.  That would only mean that I would have to find some other way to stay present while awake.  Oh well- even if I do not know the exact details, I am not worried; I will keep myself open to whatever form my duty might take, and go with it as I feel I must, moment by moment.  Though it is strange to readjust to this version of reality.  One in which I do not view reality itself as worthy of dismissal, something from which to distance myself, something to resent, but rather, something with which I must work in my own destiny.  ._.

Warrior 16

Warrior 16, by Leevitron

I just know that I can have faith in myself.  I need fear nothing.  I know everything I need to know in every moment, or I will learn it.  Everything I need unfolds as I need it.  It is a beautiful sort of eternal confidence.  There is still fear, of course- I am human.  But I am capable of moving beyond fear and pain.  If I have to fight, I will.  I try not to fight, but what would life be like if I did not face death now and then?

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~ by korakaos on January 28, 2011.

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