Saturday, January 8th, 2011 Diary Entry
As the swimming becomes rougher, I enter into a pose whose union with the universe is painful. I learn how to hold this painful pose, and then I feel the pain melt off like butter. There is much to do and always more to do as the constant current despoils my work. I want to break something, but I cannot; I must keep swimming, and so I scream and move through more asanas. I see always the next goals to pass, now, and the objectives I must accomplish before I reach them.
Today I experienced minor losses. They were ultimately unimportant, but they caused me some amount of pain. These events seem so irrelevant, but they occurred, so I must have wanted them to happen. I must work harder and keep swimming, even if I feel it is “unfair”. There is no alternative.
At the same time, I have so much. I am growing and learning, even though I did not expect to be alive. Even though I have been tempted to amount to nothing more than what others have labeled me. I think to myself often, “I never even wanted to BE here, none of this is my business” and yet it is intimately my business. And I must want to be here, no matter how many times I think I don’t.
I have so much- I am able to enjoy the most wonderful channeling displayed right before me, and then party with friends, and I experience all kinds of communion. And then, today, besides my losses, I also received a commission, which raised my spirits. A drummer friend wants me to design a serpent caduceus for his bass drum. And I know I have so much that I may have whatever I want if I would only reach out and take it.
Still, the reaching is something. It is like… if one has seen The Land Before Time, one would remember a moment when Littlefoot’s mother turns her head to tell him something. Vertebra upon vertebra must work in concert with so many nerve and muscle signals, and it takes a long moment for her to turn her head, whereas, with a human, it would take almost no time at all to turn one’s head. That’s physics. So do I tire as I reach… and wait for the pain to melt off again and again.