Monday, November 29th, 2010 Diary Entry – Halloween Pt II
I decided to edit my Halloween post and make it public after all. I figure, by now, I don’t care- there is nothing wrong with it. And I will say there is more that I did not include; I will discuss it somewhat here.
Before I went to bed, I was feeling rather… dissatisfied. I am not quite sure how to phrase it. I know that I am supposed to accept every moment. But that moment, I felt unloved, hopeless, alone- and somewhat like a child who wanted to react violently if just to make something happen, to get attention, any kind of attention, to move on.
So I decided to lift up the veil for myself again, with the intent of contacting you, Ganymede. Or with the intent to at least induce change. And in moments like this one in particular, it can be like… I realize again for just how long I have been playing this game, this puzzle, with God, and He lets me know… even if I have forgotten in all my human trappings… He lets me know, with mathematical certainty, that He will always be able to win this game. That He always has the power to rearrange things, though He has given me free will in His world. That, if He wants to, He can reshape me however He sees fit. It is in these moments that the universe literally disintegrates before my perception, and I am alone in the abyss once more, all my playthings taken away by my Father. (Who is also Me.)
In these moments, at first I beg to be given back my “things”- even if they mean nothing, I want to live at least. But surrender proves a necessary part of life. I am forced to admit whatever is true, which is fine, I suppose. This time, He had me promise Him something. What a strange promise it was, so unlike any human promise I have made in life. And yet human at the same time, for I was still of a human vessel, but… so much different than any experience I would expect to be human. I cannot phrase this promise in human words, even. I suppose it might be something like a promise to take more responsibility for my feelings.
I do know that I am negative too often. I often think, in fact sometimes several times a day, “I don’t want to be here.” And I have often been unsure how I could ever be a positive person. I’m still a bit unsure. But I do know that if I am not careful, I am capable of manifesting great negative energies. I feel as though I ought to at least try to gain more control over how I express my will, in that regard- I think I should rather like doing more “white” than “black” magic… to put things in a very black and white way. (Of course, Luken would say that black is the color of life and white the color of death as per the Nile.) Really what I mean is that I want to have a good time, and I think everyone else should be able to have a good time too.
So if I want to make this happen, I must try to be conscious in my every thought and deed. It sometimes seems difficult to be honest with myself and still try to be happy, yet at the same time I know that my mind is making up reasons for me to be unhappy and that I need not let it do so. I still feel like there is something to work through. Yet I could have everything I wanted instantly. For now, I will just try to work on nurturing good thoughts and feelings instead of my knee-jerk negativity- I am too powerful to do otherwise. He wants me to take responsibility. And I suppose He wanted to remind me with a cosmic slap across the face what’s what.
After I had consented and made my promise, eternity was easier to bear, and God allowed the normal life I know as a human to return to me. Though he would not allow it without my helping him to rebuild all of physical reality, step by step in partnership with him- I had to take responsibility for that, too. We gravitated energies toward one another until all was as it had been when I had left. Still alone, still in my Halloween costume, standing outside the circle I’d made for protection- but I trusted God, and I suppose I didn’t need the circle. I had felt so awful when I had gone in. And it was not as though I was reborn into complete gratitude and joy and happiness, though I was certainly grateful to at least have reality. But I did feel different, at least. I washed off my makeup. I put on some sweats. I lay down in bed, alone, and yet not alone but feeling so, sorting out all my feelings. There is so much negativity to transform I almost do not want to begin. But I promised.