Monday, October 18th, 2010 Diary Entry – My Way
“The Way is called the Great Mother: Empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it in any way you want.” – The Tao Te Ching
When I was in Kindergarten, we students were given the assignment of creating a paper-person-model of “What I Want to Be When I Grow Up”. Luken and I know now that such ideas are silly. This creates the expectation that one may have a definitive label as per their career choice. It also creates a sort of tunnel-vision by virtue that one may only become what one wants to be at some future point in time, when the future does not even exist: A sense that one need only get a stock education and put off what one really wants to do, without ever spending one’s education learning what one wants to learn, and excelling in pursuits in which one wants to excel. While still covering basics. But children in public schools are forced to have a certain curriculum, when truly some would much rather be learning a different subject at a different time in their lives. Thank goodness at least a few schools now exist wherein children are allowed to do whatever they want- if they want to read about cars, then they read about cars. If they want to learn to play an instrument, then they learn to play an instrument. In the Now, wherever that Now might be for them.
At such a young age, I could not possibly imagine limiting myself in what I wanted to do with my life. I told my mother about the assignment, and that I could not decide- I told her I truly “want to be everything”. She said, “It sounds like you want to be an actress.” For the most part, that stuck. I have said before that the art of channeling allows one to put on any sort of mask at all, and so I have indeed had the opportunity to be everything in a channeling sense. I was many things I wanted to be, and many things about which I was not so enthusiastic, but I was selective only insofar as I thought I was having fun.
Of course, I also had this silly idea when I was a wee one that, since God is undoubtedly very important, I ought to first offer my vocation to Him. And oh man, even then I certainly knew that didn’t mean nun. I knew I wanted boys. (Or girls, whichever.) I had a different preference. I told Him all earnestly in my naïve little-girl-self that He may feel free to make me a prophet, as they serve the will of God so well. That is, once they finally get around to doing it, as the case may be. However, I did not think He would need me- it seemed to me that just about everything had been taken care of, besides the return to Eden. Since I felt relatively insignificant, I did not think He would even take notice of me. He did not seem to be saying much nowadays, anyway. I therefore went about my life with no expectation that He would ever communicate with me. Yet I was not afraid, then. I was fine with it. And it turns out that, yeah, God usually doesn’t speak in words to me, so I was waiting for something that would only later happen very rarely… but He does speak in so many other ways, and I wasn’t quite catching it. It turns out that being a prophet is much easier than first anticipated, once you do finally pay attention to what the universe tells you. So I’ve got that going for me after all- not that I have made a career out of it. It turned out more of a happy coincidence.
Like I said, I focused on acting. And absorbing any kind of information I might find useful in becoming “everything”. I had only a very incomplete and misleading idea of what acting meant back when my mother told me that if I wanted to create a model to complete the assignment, it would be a girl in a designer dress holding a golden statue. But by now I have become very close to the world of Dionysos, exploding with wonderful in-the-moment play from night to night to night.
Now, I’ve said that some major conflicts in life came from losing my fortune, but, truth be told, they were only meaningless conflicts, and I’ve always been a member of the leisure class. I have many worldly possessions: Food, shelter, a wide variety of clothing, transportation, art, and I harness electricity in ways that would make my grandfather envious, God rest his soul. And I have the ability to spend money and to invoke forces beyond the control of many. So, when I look at the world, and I know that it is all my “fault”, I think to myself that maybe I could have used my resources to better advantage- perhaps I could have totally involved myself and my whole job with charity organizations, or some kind of activism for nature or for helping children or Lord knows what. But I don’t. That’s not my path. I do such things, and I do exude positive energy to all those around me; for instance, I tip everyone I can at least 20%- whenever there is a tip jar, I use it! I help out my friends and those I consider family. I give to charity and try to help and feed those who need it, though I don’t dedicate all my time to that. I try to help directly. But my path is that of the do-er, the act-or, and also the writing behind it, as they go hand-in-hand so often. Thusly I am more an Aristophanes or Euripides than a Mother Theresa… but I don’t think I should feel guilty. This is my Will. I know that I am the change I want to see in the world, just as Gandhi said. The world is my responsibility in whatever I do- just as it is for everyone else. I seek to change the world through the healing of theatre, for now.
But I was not always so sure this was my Will. Yes, the world of Dionysos had been home to me for much of my life, with Jesus and Shiva taking back seats reserved for my spare time, coming to the forefront only when Dionysos’s activity ebbed. Not that I even called these entities by these names, then, and for the longest time the only god I ever let remotely close in an intimate and recognized fashion was Jesus, and even then, I think I resented him. But I worked with these three in ways I would recognize later. And I would recognize that my junior-high-school ideas (resentment/ “atheism”) about Jesus were just what one might expect from someone in grade school in America today: Juvenile. Just because so many Christians seemed to have gone so wrong was no excuse for resenting God as I did. And I’m still getting over it- I feel the resentment churn within me every time I see something like the hungry unfed and the weak oppressed. But I am no longer capable of fooling myself into thinking I might not believe in His existence. And I am the change.
Indeed, after I grew in maturity, I began to see anyone who professed “atheism” as somewhat juvenile… I don’t blame them. And I don’t want to insult them; I was them: I thought I was one once too. I was just putting on blinders and not paying attention to life. But oh well- I’m not about to argue over who uses what words when they are only vibrations that evolve anyway. There’s so much fundamental misunderstanding. Luken says that atheists are reacting against some idea of a bearded old man in the sky. I said who could believe in such a silly idea? It’s really something only suitable for jokes. When one knows God, one knows that God is so much more than that, and he is certainly not so easily personified. How would they come to think this was what religion was about? Luken said that, actually, lots of people still believe in a bearded man in the sky… and that it leads to other silly ideas… and that’s why there’s so much atheism. They are “a-old-man-in-the-sky”. Not necessarily “a-theos”, not that they probably know the difference. And I admitted that he was right- many Christians probably do believe in this strange reduced “phantom” idea as opposed to the Living God. These Christians have not even progressed to the juvenile level of the atheists, because they still believe in Disney magic, so to speak. Over reality.
“In the mind of a pious person, the inferiority complex which accounts for his piety compels him to interpret this emancipation [of Yoga/Union] as union with the gaseous vertebrate whom he has invented and called God. On the cloudy vapour of his fears his imagination has thrown a vast distorted shadow of himself, and he is duly terrified; and the more he cringes before it, the more the spectre seems to stoop to crush him. People with these ideas will never get anywhere but Lunatic Asylums and Churches.” – Aleister Crowley
This is idolatry as much as any reduced idea of God is idolatry. And then the professed atheists become confused and think that’s all there is to religion, sometimes: people believing in some glorified Tooth Fairy.
But I think atheists can still be very lovely people, even if they deny their own existence- I’ve mentioned once before that my best friend is an atheist, and she often does a great job keeping me connected to objective reality. What do I care that she doesn’t believe in God?
The only reason I ever used to care that she denied God was back when the only idea I had of Hell was that which the holy men talk about: Separation from God in Heaven, and for some reason, this was thought by me to be after death. And I didn’t want to be separated from her in the afterlife. Now that I know Hell is not necessarily that way, I know that I do not need to be afraid of losing her. I will have her as long as I want. And I will let her stay in Hell as long as she wants, too. Who am I to force her to leave? We can still have fun sexy parties.
So, I go from being a little girl reading stories, to a supposed atheist, to a little girl reading more stories and realizing that God is more than what a few hypocrites think. That God exists in ways I had never considered. That Dionysos and the others had been my lords and ladies all this time.
And then, a little over two years ago, came the moment when I was not sure about my Will. Hell, I’m still not for sure- Will is such a tenuous matter, blowing in the wind. It could change course. But back then things seemed so… well. I realized that I had done everything I wanted to do in life. I had been everything I wanted to be. I had acted, I had loved and lost, and… I was still not happy. And I was also very surprised- I did not expect to be alive here on this planet for this long! Not at all. I wasn’t happy with that, either. And so what was I to do with myself? I began to realize that my life had all been heading up to this point, when I would finally just take some breaths and look around myself. And I thought to myself, well… if I did everything I wanted… and now feel unhappy… what should I seek to do next? I went on for some time with no idea what I was seeking, only that I was looking for something! I should note that I would later realize that “seeking” is futile, once I had “found” what I was looking for. And I knew that whatever it was would relieve suffering. Yet I allowed myself to get caught under a crushing wave of suffering at the same time.
So. For a time I was the seeker… and I will speak more of that time, and a certain someone, next post, Ganymede.
“Do you have the patience to wait until your mind settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself? The Master doesn’t seek fulfillment. Not seeking, not expecting, she is present, and can welcome all things.” – The Tao Te Ching