Sunday, September 5th, 2010 Diary Entry

I feel that this post will be nothing more than random events- “A day in the life of Kora” if you will- though it is a few days- and I am not sure to where it points.  But perhaps it points somewhere.  I know it belongs in the grimoire at any rate, so I am writing it before I continue.

I have mentioned before that I have felt as frustrated as George Bailey, because I have had all my fortune taken away from me a couple of times or so.  Despite certain abuses, I was raised like a fairly spoiled princess, and then later in life I sometimes find myself doing nothing but butting my head against monetary problems.  I said I hate these conflicts because they seem so unworthy of my attention compared to other conflicts.  Money is nothing serious, but it has been a time-consuming problem for me in the past.  Money problems aren’t the reason I had so often disliked this world- perhaps it was just a symptom.  No- it was not because of money that I resented my existence, though it certainly didn’t help.

But no matter now, for I have fixed that problem.  I doubt it will happen again, but it might.  The future is unwritten.  I will still probably think it a problem unworthy of my attention then too… even though assuredly as one of the suits in Tarot, and being such an important part of all life, which must consume, positive attention should be given to one’s resources.  And because such things are deserving of attention, since I wanted to give no attention to money, you can see why karma likes to kick me in the ass.

But even if it has been money that has in the past stolen away all of my time and energy which I would have rather spent on more serious or interesting matters… I just enjoyed a five hundred-dollar cake shaped like the Eiffel Tower on a private terrace overlooking a grove of wildlife.

And I feel like the princess I am again :)

Instead of the tortured, paranoid wizard, which I am as well… and so is George Bailey.  Well, looks like we can enjoy ourselves too.  I have been partying again too (what else is new), and I mean fancy buffet and wine type affairs wherein I don’t feel comfortable saying words like fuck or whatever because everyone’s so swank.  At one event I even got to know a couple of nice young men at a bar, one of whom says he is a wizard as well.  The more one expects these things to happen, now, the more they happen, now.

And then, after I went home,  it turns out I accidentally ate something I was allergic to and I spent fourteen hours or so alternating between bed and the toilet to vomit.  Crazy!  I asked Ganymede for help in healing.  He sent me a dream while I slept fitfully- I was on vacation with my family, camping in the woods by a lake, as we had been wont to do when I was a child.  We soon noticed that the campgrounds were infested with so many insects that it would not be enjoyable to spend time outdoors.  My family asked me to call upon Dionysos, so I did.  He appeared instantly- but no one could see him, and I expressed my disbelief at their blindness.  My family then asked me to go across the lake to fetch another figure.  I do not remember which.  There was an Amtrak which would take passengers from one side of the lake to another.  But I had to take a ladder across- a ladder shaped like a bit of a rollercoaster.  Each step of the ladder had a book on it, most of which I passed by, but I saw an interesting one and picked it up.  Soon after I picked up the book, the sun began to set.  I knew I did not want to continue on this high-altitude adventure at night, so I decided to go back to the side of the lake which my family was on, so that I might go the cabin, sleep, and try again in the morning.  As I went inside, I saw that my sisters were already asleep, having taken the only bed in our bedroom.  There were three couches, but I discovered that the two more comfortable couches had been taken by Dionysos and Mars.  I knew that the third couch would be uncomfortable and that I would toss and turn, but I gave them my throw pillows from my couch anyway- I thought they would want them, as they had none.  And then I went to sleep.

Omai, can you see into my psyche and subconscious as a result of my dream-sharing?  ;D  It’s not too complicated.  Though, I have never seen both Dionysos and Mars in one dream together… but I suppose it is not so unusual.  I gave them my hospitality, my ξενία, and I slept as badly in my dreams as I was then in “waking” life.  Perhaps I was sick for their sake- anyway, I am better now, and I was just whining when I asked Ganymede for help, because I was in such pain.

Worth noting:  While I was sick, almost too sick to speak, Luken became somewhat angered with me, or just suspicious of me, and pestered me, because I had told him I had gone to a bar earlier that day with new wizard and artist friends.  He can be a bit jealous, and I suppose he has reason.  He told me that they only invited me because they would have wanted to seduce me.  He asked me many probing questions, but I told him to go away because I could not speak.  At first he would not. He was very persistent in his haranguing. I finally managed to convince him and continued my fitful sleep. We resolved it later. 

Perhaps he is right- perhaps it is completely stupid and naïve of me to think that I could have male friends who are not at least 95% homosexual.  And maybe that is why he was so suspicious- he did not think I was that stupid.  I feel a bit guilty.  He often tells me about the predatory ways of men, sometimes quoting The Game.  It definitely points out common mating behavior plainly. 

Anyway… even if I think that I am merely discussing a mutual interest, I must always be aware that the male party probably wants to dominate and penetrate my body.  I have said before that I cannot much go down the street without being harassed; that I have caused more than one male to stop and totter off their bicycles as they spot me.  The approach of men is a daily and constant occurrence I have learned to zone out like a horse with blinders on as I walk past- why, just this morning, a  complete stranger walked up to me and leaned in close to me, displaying such man-monkey posture as was obvious that he wanted me to notice him, wanted me to think he was somehow so overwhelmingly special that I would want to go with him somewhere and bone him.  Please, go and take your manflesh somewhere where it is wanted!  Ah… I should not judge all these men- I must want them to do this to me, or it would not be happening.  They are me, after all.  But it sometimes tends to make me uncomfortable, and certainly tends to aggravate Luken.  …unless it’s a woman doing the flirting.  Then, he minds a bit less.  He even thinks it’s cute.  Not always, though.  He can even be jealous of the ladies.  Such negativity.

I do not want to put on a burqa and avoid the company of men forever, do I?

Much later after that incident this morning, I attempted to be as professional as I could around the other homo sapiens- I was thrown into a theatre environment which was rather chaotic.  I have, as late, been assuming something of an assistant stage manager role- something I had not thought of doing, but something that has been fitting my life recently.  I must say, even if I was a bit nervous beforehand, I am very glad I went through the experience.  It’s been so long since I’ve had some real theatre to try to fuck me up and keep me on my toes every nanosecond.  I somehow made it through just fine- as I always do.  It is sink or swim, and I swam today.  I am glad.

I relax this evening with walking meditation, laundry, sake, and shooting games.  My roommate was watching comedy over to my right.  Then I realize, as I’m blowing some AI apart, that there’s a fucking really bright light shining down on my building- I looked out the window and I saw that there were tons of cops just outside my window on the street, and a helicopter, and they were all pointing their guns at some thug, doing the usual “We have you surrounded blah blah blah”.  I must have wanted THAT to happen in this universe too.  I wonder why.  It certainly seems dysfunctional.  Like all violence does.

So yeah… Life.

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~ by korakaos on September 5, 2010.

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