Tuesday, June 22nd 2010 Diary Entry
Note: Saying people are bad for saying people are bad for saying people are bad for saying people are bad for saying people are bad… ahem. Is bad? The paradox.
You know, I gave up on this world, in a way, a long long time ago. As a child, I thought to myself that I wouldn’t hold my breath for the world to become an enjoyable place. And so, because I wasn’t paying attention to how this energy projected itself around me and back onto myself, I somehow thought myself separate from the rest of everyone and everything- or as though I someday would be and that nothing I perceived (and no one in my perception) mattered. And, while this might be true, I’ve changed over the years. And sometimes I’ve looked back on past judgments and actions and judged those too. I’ve experienced self-imposed separation and regret, after a fashion. You see, my detached attitude led me to project a certain strong negativity I’m still having problems getting over. And I may have found someone I think matters, as it were. Luken. Luken says that ever since I started writing to Ganymede with regularity I’ve had a severe decrease in this negativity and that he likes the way I’ve turned around my attitude- and he said he has been surprised by all the things that I say. He says he never thought he’d hear me say such things. Of course, he still thinks I need work… I still label and dance around with masks on. But you know, I got paid for it the other day in a way I hadn’t in a long time. I’d left such work voluntarily and focused on getting more in touch with myself. And what do you know but that the work starts up again, this time offering me a mask I never thought I would try on- it involved language I felt almost uncomfortable using, but I knew that as perfect human beings no one would mind.
Sometimes I’m a little harsh, I think.
I’m working selling idols now too- it reminds me of that story about Abraham smashing up the idols in his father’s shop. I sell idols among other items such as guesses at the latest fashions. I indeed treat the idols as if they are real. Everyone knows they’re not, of course. But if we’re just decorating our surroundings, and we’re just using it for positive vibes, and we’re well aware that eternity cannot be encapsulated in a form, then I say it’s all in good fun. Let’s enjoy ourselves. I certainly have a much better time at work when I treat the idols like people. And I have plenty of idols myself. One of my idols even has a functioning miniature tarot deck… that’s one of my favorite decorations recently.
I do spend a lot more time in self-reflection now that I’m not just speeding through a life to which I feel disconnected. I care about someone and I’m trying to make a connection with my entire life experience as well- a union. I don’t know how that will occur, of course, but I trust myself to show myself from moment to moment. It’s been working well since I’ve been trusting Ganymede more. All sorts of things have flowered in my life, and they have felt quite nice. I also know that I have no reason to fear anything anymore… even if I still have some stuff to purify. I’m not looking forward to it, of course. But I don’t have to worry about it. I’ll just have to try my best to stay present if and when that happens. Try my best to form a more perfect union.