Friday, May 21st, 2010 Diary Entry
I feel like I might like a Valium. Okay, that’s one drug I’ve never tried. But I couldn’t sleep. I slept a little. I dreamt of fashion and candy and great big trains. Nothing seemed to be what I had tried to see. Oh well. I probably had too much wine.
It is too bad that some people are not ready to hear the Truth, for whatever reason. They may listen, but then their ego flares up. Eckhart Tolle says that his books are not for everyone- not everyone is ready for them. They will seem as offensive mumbo-jumbo to those who are not, I suppose. Once when he was speaking he mentioned that, when the ego becomes aware of itself, it will often react defensively- angrily, even. A man stood up immediately saying, “This is bullshit!” and stormed out. Tolle said, “I swear I didn’t hire an actor!” Well. Once, I heard a man say he was angry because a part of the One Life had removed another part of the One Life as unworthy of its presence… this man could not accept the fact with open arms… not too much later… this man did the same to me, blocking me out from himself. No more sharing, no more fun communication… just cold silence. Why? I think I was too honest and he didn’t want to hear. I was civil, but his ego insists upon maintaining control and dismissing, giving up on communication, especially with labels. Then again, I could be entirely wrong about why he was reactionary- one of the labels he used to label me was “oblivious”. Either way, this is uncalled for. Maybe I sounded cold too- civility can be interpreted many ways in text, and Crowley and I could be good examples of that. But such labels are never necessary. Such shadow projection is never necessary. I suppose I would not have spoken with him upon such matters- patients should be healed only when they are willing. I had simply mistaken him for as much. And that is my bad.
I have fallen in the arms of Shiva, I have danced ecstatically with Dionysos, I have communed with Christ directly, I have seen all of space and all of time- and yet sometimes I still become upset. We are all human. I become upset that someone would use negative labels, and I wonder why they would bother to exercise that part of their ego. Luken reminds me to practice true forgiveness. I know this. But emotions still tend to linger.
I wonder- I wonder if, when the rich man could not give up his egoic trappings to become a disciple of Jesus, and instead rode away- I wonder if Jesus’s heart broke a little. It must have. I wonder how close they were.