Friday, May 14th, 2010 Diary Entry

Sometimes, considering my nature, I worry about other wizards.  I know worry is useless.  Nevertheless, my mind occasionally indulges.  I worry that other wizards may be “scrying” on me.  I would rather everyone just be honest… but indeed, even Luken has expressed a wonderment as to whether or not more people might know about him than those of whom he is aware at the moment.

I do not take the most careful steps to cover my tracks.  I am discrete- but I do not “waste” my time… perhaps it would not be wasted if there really were people tracking me.  But why should I worry about such things?  It is not as though I am out to hurt anyone.  So I would hope that no one would track me in the ways I don’t want… unless I were their prey!  Goodness.  Now, see, I’ve been thinking about those who are concerned about Facebook “privacy”.  Some people just don’t want everyone knowing their information, and they’re confused about privacy settings, so they don’t bother, in order to avoid someone seeing something… on the web.  I am not worried about Facebook, but I’ve thought about it- do I care that my family and friends see the crazy shit I do with my Dionysian friends?  Because I sure put all that up there when Facebook started and it was only for college friends.  No, I don’t care what they see, and the rest is useless to anyone.   I wouldn’t have put anything online of which I disapproved, after all.  Common sense.  And I’ve never found a reason to complain.  But maybe I don’t want the whole world to know me intimately in other ways- which is why I am discrete.  So why would there be a reason to worry about such things?  (And besides, if God willed it, I would surrender anything as a matter of course.)

But I’ve rather too much else… to spend my time worrying about the peripheral external.  I do not know what is good or bad- only that I live.  With Ganymede.  Among the oneness which has reached the heights of humanity… and the depths.  Inevitable.  It is my situation.  I have made this.  I have made a universe in which I feel both pain and joy.  And from which I have often wanted to escape, and which I have only come to know more intimately recently.  I watch the world go by with and inside Ganymede, working towards what I judge as “correct” while knowing the nature of things anyway.

I have been both excited and pained within this slow-moving life lately.  It takes care to point out to me all the ways I have been… all the ways I am… and maybe even what could have been if I had not come to know Ganymede as I know him now.  If I had remained an indulgent child (maybe I still am?) I could have made mistakes… and knowing that, I wonder at the magnitude of the mistakes I could make now!  If mistakes were possible previously, they are possible now, if there are such things as mistakes- and I am told there are not.  Yet I look back on things I have done and wish they had not been there- even if I know the past to be immutable.

Wellllll, I am going to enjoy some Dionysian activity with Luken now.

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~ by korakaos on May 14, 2010.

2 Responses to “Friday, May 14th, 2010 Diary Entry”

  1. Hhi Kora,

    I am glad I finally found my way here. I must spend some time looking over your previous posts.

    Feel well in your spiritual activities – know your darkness within and shine your light without, and all is good.

    With my rituals I am not overly concerned with doctrine and details, and it does allow some element of unpredictability and surprise, but it feels more ALIVE to me to dance with my rites instead of applying such exact control.

    Forces don’t need to be anticipated at all times, we have the tols to accept or counter anything as they arise.

    PAX et LVX

    • Yeah, I know I have issues with control… Dionysos once tore me apart for about a half an hour (an illusion, of course… I’m still sitting here intact) before I let go and gave in and stopped trying to fight his method- even if said method seemed excruciating. I have a hard time letting the moment go where it will. I chalk some of it up to my obsessive compulsivity- anxiety- useless fear. I suppose the universe really wanted to impress the lesson upon me. I do constantly remind myself now that all I have to do is be with whatever is given me. No need to fight it or wish for something else.

      Second time Dionysos did that, it only took a few minutes ;) I am somewhat loath to venture that close to him again, but I may someday. Frankly, I am somewhat embarrassed I acted the way I did, but oh well. Yes, I have been coming to know my darkness.

      Thanks for reading :) It’s uh… a bit of a chaotic blog! Heh. And naked. Although I censor names, of course.


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