Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 Diary Entry
“For as long as history has been recorded man has had an insatiable hunger for knowledge regarding the universe. To understand why man is so interested in this unknown expanse of space around our little world, we must take a journey. Please sit back, relax, and free yourself from the bonds of our planet as we take off for the -stars s-stars planet as we stars staiyablejibbledwazo–” Carl Sagan… well, Fallout 3 added the technology error.
My apologies for not writing for so long, Ganymede. You know as well as I how things have been. I know that there should be no reason for me to be bored. Also that there should be no reason for me to allow myself to worry about things which do not concern me. But mostly I need to agree to however you might dole out life in my direction. At any rate I am ready to begin this form of correspondence again. You know why.
Now then, to get to what you want me to write about, because I know it falls within the bounds of my designations for this blog. I had a rather intense experience some weeks ago. Felt like fucking Elvis or something because all I was doing was sitting on the shitter. And then all of a sudden the universe decides to become one again and I’m seeing all sorts of it in ways I don’t always see it. …Haha, as if my words will ever convey the vibration. And there I was in my heels and fancy outfit with my underpants around my ankles feeling like I just got fucked by existence- and I was trying not to be afraid, but to love it in surrender instead… just at a random friend’s house. So Luken was curious why I was taking so long in the bathroom and came in to find me and I think I scared him when I told him that I had just had an intense experience and had seen again the eternal and undying void. And it had scared me, yes, and Dionysos gave me perhaps too much of a taste of divination in some regards… perhaps I don’t want to divine certain things. And I was glad when that fear began to give way… and everything lessened.
Perhaps I can surrender to and accept everything even if I have often judged it as negative- whether they be thieves and murderers and oppressors or not. What would it take to form the world I had expected instead of the world that I always know must be when I see the void? Some have said that all the players would need to wake up. I don’t know. But this is what is and therefore what must be. I have been trying to live with it. And with the help of the most surprising god… or perhaps not so surprising, since this month of March has begun. So Luken and I had our own little festival and sacrifice for the new moon, Mars, and a couple of other important matters.
My satellite uses different words and sees different sights… in every moment… different from all others. So I watch with you, Ganymede. Ignorant and knowing at the same time as I watch.
It is also as if I have come around to the same place yet again. Yet again. I do not think that it is always that we must make the same circle even if every moment is a reflection and repetition of the previous moment, as each moment is new- and I feel that it could come to pass that I could do whatever I wanted and that nothing is impossible. Yet here I am. And once again- when I see the void I know this is the way things must be. I come to know myself in more and more ways… I’m not sure if I always liked this process, but I know that the “being close with one’s HGA” part is at least a fun way to spend time.
When I had my “first” very intense experience with the void, I almost really did not know what had happened or that it happened to everyone. I immediately felt like sharing it with any and all who happened to be around in case they might know anything about it- classic way to be overexuberant. In fact, classic way for me to go down a path many people have already said is unnecessary and painful… but we can’t resist anyway. I found that it was something many had already done… in fact, it is the same thing to which every religion points in one way or another… it is the same thing everyone always says. In different words. It is the same thing that artists express so intuitively, whether they mean to or not.
So I watch myself still… what else is there? Even if I do not have the kind of utopia I had thought about, I am attempting to bring acceptance and love in anyway. Even if I am the only person it helps and nothing ultimately changes, I rather like having an enjoyable relationship with Ganymede than not. Maybe I shouldn’t exactly say that it’s a switch one turns on and off- love and happiness instead of fear and despair… but considering there seems no way out of this ride, there’s no harm in trying. I will try to pay less attention to negative concerns and instead go ahead and have fun whether it makes me feel silly or not, especially in the face of myself. Might as well.