Monday, March 1st, 2010 Diary Entry

I had quite an interesting meditation… even though I was somewhat worried about the dwindling of resources and the world in general, I feel almost as though I have indeed reached the end of the utter doom that had been crushing me… much of it is ultimately still there, of course.  It is as though there is no escape.  But I think that perhaps I have reached a place that my tarot reading had mentioned- even if it isn’t a love for my career as it had also specifically said, it had also said that I was finally emerging from wreckage, and it is at least an easing.  Which is better than before and that is something to be grateful for and to prefer.  The meditation was somewhat difficult as this and other concerns occasionally bopped through my head during the meditation… but the rest of it was mostly nice.

I am not sure how to describe it.  It has happened… happened?  To varying degrees before.  The ways I would describe it would seem to be very silly ways of describing it.  Even while everything is a mandala, it’s not exactly… I dunno.  These kinds were never what I was after.  But that’s what I get.

I did, though, actually remember my first meditation… at least, I think it was my first.  I was so very young, probably not more than three.  And it was when I was first introduced to Dionysos and transformation too, I believe.  At least, in this incarnation, if you would call it that.  I’m not sure how I feel about this memory.  It is at once evocative of things I would love, and at the same time, it reminds me of how my whole life has been less than something I would love.

And I am not sure how to feel about our relationship since then.  I feel like there are parts I have enjoyed very much.  And I feel like we have been close throughout those years.  But I also feel this sense of darkness- and yes, within that meditation I felt the… I don’t know what to call it today- chaos will do I guess, considering- pushing me again… even if it’s interesting, how can one feel entirely positive about that?  It’s so violent and dour.  At least it wasn’t painful/scary as fuck this time.  Only slightly scary because it reminded me of when it was ;)

So, no matter what, I always have lingering memories of that.

Yet I seem to be almost unbelievably moving forward… had I forgotten what that was like?  I had to know it must come someday.  I just wasn’t sure how I would feel okay with things.  I’m still not, entirely.  There were even some moments, though, when I would wonder if I would miss being destroyed and torn apart and crushed by Dionysos- I would wonder if I was not grateful enough and I would wonder if I should be taking more advantage.  But I could not have done so; it was not meant to be.  And it would be silly to miss anything painful from the past.  Yet, now that he seems to be easing up in many ways, I just… I don’t know.

I have been so mixed up lately I can’t even finish my sentences XD

Nothing has really, truly changed… mostly, it is only what I see as changed.  And us.  I have no idea why we chose this for ourselves, and I probably don’t want to contemplate that for too long, and I still want to escape and go off and be alone….

Which makes me wonder if I’m not being grateful enough now ;)  Oh fucking well.  Whatever we are, I hope we keep turning out better.  I’m not holding my breath, though :/  Still, we can do some things.  We are not entirely powerless.  Just… mostly :)  As we watch the entire world go by our perception helplessly.

Since I indeed seem to be moving on in certain ways, it may at least finally be time to resume the kind of magical work which I had not felt capable of doing these past several months.  I don’t know.  It seems to be starting up again in part.  (A good part!)  But at least keeping a record of these past couple of months has been something, and I will probably continue to write anything down which is truly important to my journey- I just don’t know how often that will happen.  I suppose I do not need to know.  Dionysos will.

Also, all of this has been yet another adventure in ramming forward, damn the consequences- that’s how I always seem to be.  That’s how I came into this world.  It wasn’t that I was just charging ahead completely blindly- I had at least the VERY faintest sense of what I was doing.  I knew that I had to do it.  And so I dove in.  Just like a diver plunging herself down a veeery long depth of blackness and fog and… whatever had beckoned me to do so.  Luken reminds me that, no matter what, I made the CHOICE.  I say- I only did it because I had to.  And he says- you still made the choice.

I don’t remember why I made that choice, though it seemed to make sense at the time.  And I guess that’s similar to why I’ve been choosing to write all this.  I know Dionysos likes it when I do, even if words mean nothing… though I fear that today’s post in particular is rather blah.  It seems a little less than professional- but considering how often I let my emotions seep in, I suppose I’m the only one who cares to notice the levels of difference, and the universe won’t care (so far as I can tell!).  So I thought I had better write it anyway.

The moon seemed to have three halos last night.  The outer ring seemed so large.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be one with everything, because what’s the point?  Not that I have a choice.  My relationship with Dionysos/God is so bipolar.

I have been reading someone’s article in Time magazine, and the dear cannot seem to separate consciousness from thought.  As though my brain is me, haha.  Insofar as everything is one, I suppose.  It reminds me of reading old scientific articles when people thought absolutely the most silly things ever.  People will think, someday, that this was silly too.  But oh well.  Who cares.

I just want to sit in a nice little shrine and enjoy meditation, with the occasional bout of human interaction and puzzles and games… you know, actually, recently… Dionysos seems to have blessed me with lots of women wanting to get into my bed.  I have been used to such behavior from men all the time, because there are so many who are so inappropriate; I could just be walking down the street and I’d have to listen to them gawk and watch them fall off their bicycles- but it has been some time since a woman took interest, and now I have so many, and there is so much fun activity to be had!  This is another time when I love Dionysos.

And I heard about that poor figure skater that the media is laughing at for wearing heels and makeup and just having fun.  Oh, the pains of being a liminal figure- it doesn’t ultimately matter because the pain we feel is ego until society imposes upon us.  But it is still pain, even if only illusory.  Why it should always be this way is beyond me- does society really need this kind of structure?  I know that liminal figures serve their uses, but couldn’t everything be just a bit more comfortable?  Jesus Christ.

I am going to play a little game and then I suppose I am going to go through my wardrobe looking for something suitable to wear to… well, the place where I was rather surprised at being told I did not look ENOUGH like a fashion model.  Everyone there does, and I can too, so that’s part of the reason I was invited… but it’s not like that’s what I wear all the goddamn time.  I had thought I looked nice- I’d even thought maybe I was wearing TOO much makeup.  But I was told I wasn’t wearing enough for the second time in my life!  The things that woman said to me- they seem such STRANGE things to say to another human being.  So I don’t wear lipstick and I don’t wear earrings and bracelets WITH the scarf and ring combo I was already wearing… is that so bad?  I guess so.  I hate being judged on my looks in order to get by in society.  I love being pretty and being told that I am.  But should it really be like this?  I guess I could ask that about so many things in the world.  So, I would like to ask Dionysos to at least help me through it so long as it lasts.  Till May, perhaps.

Have a good night, Ganymede.  I’ll try to do the same.

And Happy Birthday March….

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~ by korakaos on March 2, 2010.

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