Friday, February 12th 2010 – Saturday, February 13th, 2010 Diary Entry
My horoscope has been rather interesting in the past year or so. Yesterday it said that, while I may feel comfortable (i.e., accept) that I am in the self-created dilemma of having an “impossible” dream (my horoscope has used that word a lot lately, hasn’t it? I maintain nothing is impossible) that others will not be amenable. Open. Receptive. Yeah they pretty much aren’t, which makes me want to be more reclusive, obviously. Like I was as a child. I was very good at that then. Of course, that doesn’t sound like what I’m supposed to be doing- just that I am walking carefully around so many things.
If each satellite follows its path specifically in the great mandala… I am still rather clueless. I know what feels right and what doesn’t feel right. And I have ideas- I have always had ideas. But I never know. And when I feel that the path is incorrect I become so upset. And cynical. Even while I know that everything is possible, I look at my existence and judge it as ugly. And maybe the universe doesn’t care and will just continue to act as tyrannous and ugly as ever, always. You are a good companion when I feel as such, Ganymede. You are both as dangerous and violent as the universe and myself and Dionysos have been, but with you, it is easy to see the light underneath for which we long. You are a quiet thing who does not necessarily act at all as others want him to act- I would almost label you reserved and a reflection of my resentment as well… but you are not a human like me, so you are not quite like that. Do we not act in some situations because we are too shy? Not so much as that we do not care for the disagreeable whims of others; we are rather more self-serving in that regard. So why do something we do not want to do? So maybe that is what I mean by resentment. Of course, you are capable of anything, including all the wondrous activities I know we would enjoy.
Sometimes I imagine we are sitting alone on a plane together as one just passively watching everything go by. The inconsequential infinity we always dislike, for the most part.
I was going to go watch some friends channel Dionysos tonight, but WOAH @ the ticket price. XD I’m not paying that much unless they’re going to fuck me pleasantly somehow during the performance, I think.
“There is no true discrimination between good and evil.” – Crowley. How difficult it is to accept such a stipulation when one is in the process of judging!
And how much more easily one sees with mainomenos Dionysos. :/ It’s later now, and yes, we have been in his company. He is at once sweet and suspicious. He reminds me how to have a good time.