Thursday, February 11th, 2010 Diary Entry
I have left a few comments here and there on WordPress. I suppose these comments are Kora speaking, and I am not sure how much they come from ego. Every word I speak is in a way just another vibration of ego. Since I have already tried to keep from inserting my ego too much into my life with friends, as I do not want to hurt them, I hope also that I do not inadvertently hurt anyone on the internet. I don’t want to say something that brings someone down- however, a simple statement of truth is often hard to resist. One must merely be careful that it is not as follows: I know something you don’t know, and my ego delights in enlightening you. Especially since words will never fully encapsulate the truth, simple or no. I would like to just let everyone know the whole “namaste” thing- yes I recognize you as a perfect divine son of God, and there are no such things as enemies, so here is what I have to say! Hahaha. I tried that a couple of times. It didn’t quite work as intended; oh well.
Yesterday was rather a blah day. I spent a lot of it doing things I didn’t want to do. Considering I usually don’t want to get up out of bed in the morning, I guess it might not seem like a lot to others, but it was monumental for me :P And I won’t lie- I spent some of it wanting and wishing for what was not there. Even if I stay present I find such vibrations grating and disagreeable. You know, I have wondered how someone who regularly practices presence à la Tolle would do in a rape situation- if they surrender to the present moment, will it become more agreeable? :P I don’t know. And I don’t really want to think about that too much. Anyway, I should think that surrender would make life that much easier- if you surrender, every movement would flow with grace, yes? I certainly didn’t feel like that yesterday, and I don’t know how. I want to be able to make my life flow, but I still feel that cockblock, no matter what my tarot reading said the other day. Perhaps it is improving. Perhaps I will stop being George Bailey losing everything at every critical moment. Honestly. Or perhaps things will continue to suck no matter how much I am aware of Now. They have so far.
Luken said to me, “You keep coming back to that idea that all is one, and I think that confuses you.” It doesn’t confuse me at all. It confuses you, Luken, my partner, because you do not understand the idea yet- or at least you do not understand it in this moment the way I understand it, and thus we have a communication breakdown. It must be something ELSE that I do not understand. The idea that all is one is thoroughly compatible with any philosophizing, including that our inner selves are a part of the ultimate self- individual or not, all is one. You see, we were just listening to Tolle say that some evolutionary impulse WANTS us to evolve. And I was confused as to why he said that as I had thought that Tolle had said only our egos want. They want to want but will never get what they want because they will never be satisfied. I had thought that he had said that our ultimate selves would not want under his philosophy- though I have obviously experienced something just about as close to my ultimate self as is possible, on more than one occasion, and still wanted. But I had merely thought he said they do not want. And now he is saying that there is an evolutionary want. And I had thought that he had said we are not supposed to want, since that is ego. Yes, and along with that I have wondered why he bothers to care at all that humanity is supposedly at an evolutionary crisis. That is, if wants do not matter and all is an inconsequential game of form. Maybe something does matter after all? ;) I should say so. The fact that I am aware and watching my ego ALWAYS matters to me. All that is still One.
Luken reminds me, “Evolve or die.” “That is a dick move.” “No it is not, because you are personifying God.” “I don’t care if I’m personifying God or not- I don’t care if there’s a person or the opposite of a person. It’s a dick move.” “Your judgment doesn’t matter.” “I don’t care if it doesn’t matter.” “Neither do I.”
At what point do judgments become unnecessary? I feel that judgment would cause one to feel compassion, a desire to comfort- but Luken says that since every judgment detracts from the now, that it is entirely unnecessary and that we should accept WHILE working to change things. I do not see why we would ever want to change things if we did not judge them to be worthy of changing. He says that is because I do not understand acceptance yet.
I do, however, remember the moment of individuation. When I “separated” from the awesome wonder that is Myself. And I remember that my first impulse with this new consciousness was that I wanted to play a game. And so I made the first move in the game. Next was an immediate sensation of anxiety- I had separated myself from myself and had fooled myself into thinking the rest of me was “separate” and that it wanted me to return home immediately. I had a long way to go, but I started back right then, watching what seemed an endless river of lights.
It might be just fine to be home. But I still want to play a game. And I think we could play a great game. Without dick moves. Why the hell did we ever invent dick moves? I have still never heard a good excuse.
Wow reality is SUPER grating right now. Like someone petting you the wrong way. With a razorblade. Coated in bits of glass superglued onto it. Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiist on a cracker. I want to smash it up with a sledgehammer. But I can’t :( I’m just to accept that it exists, whether I want to smash it up or no. Well duh. But I still want to smash it up.