Saturday, February 6th, 2010 Diary Entry
Today I had some leftover birthday cake with my lemon water and coffee. It’s great having Aquarians in the house when it’s this time of year ^_^ And I want to let you know I had a lovely time watching players channel Dionysos last night. There were many wonderful moments.
I also spent some time this morning looking for other bloggers with similar interests again on WordPress. This time I was looking specifically for those who wrote about or practice goetia. However they might do so. I found a few gems, several blahs, and a few ickies. But I’m following those gems now and will hopefully benefit from reading about others on their path.
I also came across someone who does tarot. I haven’t really done much tarot at all since I was in high school and first experimented with it. It’s been awhile- but it’s been cropping up again too. So, once again I figured what the hell, and I did a tarot reading today with the intention of learning more about my career, as it is an area in my life with which I find constant frustration. I have been trying recently (and perhaps desperately, the past couple of years) to find stability within career. I know the things I like to do, but I feel like there’s this whole big cockblock in that area in general. Probably because I am so apathetic anyway. But! So I did the reading, which spoke of my career and a few other things. I take this as communication from you, Ganymede, of course.
And you say… I am stuck in apathy :P You say that I focus only on the fact there are ruins, while I have, at the same time, the power to turn everything around for the positive. I just am not looking at it. In some way, I suppose this would involve giving of my own instinctive, nurturing glory… not that I have any idea what that glory is other than the same old same old everyone has. Perhaps, as this part was associated with health, it merely means to get in touch with the feminine creative or healing aspects for myself… or others. I am also to value my close bonds in a feminine (creative? receptive? nurturing?) way, even while it is obvious to myself and everyone that I lie in a battered ruin- I am defeated and vulnerable, something difficult to accept- as the worst is over, I am to surrender so as to be reborn. Surrender again, Ganymede? :P Also, two of the cards I received before the rebirth card had to do with birth already- I have no intentions of getting involved with anything fertility or baby-related, so you must mean myself. So, after hitting rock bottom, how to be reborn? I receive meditation, delay, frustration… a survey of whether or not it is worth it… indecision. Somehow, this indecision relates to relationships, not just my indecision about life in general, though I am not sure how that affects the interpretation here. My next card- honestly, Ganymede? Judgment. It is obvious, then, that I stand on the threshold of change. It just NEEDS a decision first. Perhaps the one area where my judgment is lacking! My indecision in my apathy. Yet this card signifies that, once I make the judgment, there is the possibility of a sort of awakening, so long as I cooperate with the cosmos. This is also related to my relationships… I suppose a true awakening would be related to everything and not just my job, though. So even though I am bound by indecision and apathy within, I am to survey the present and finally act. …great.
So finally, the part which ultimately pertains to career in the formation. And it starts off with love. I’m not sure what kind of direction that gives me… but when does the tarot ever give really good direction? XD Of course I WANT to love my career… though this could mean a career in which I exercise love. A career in which I spread love… well, I can’t much think of anything that I would receive like that immediately, so that doesn’t help me in my Judgment. Other than that, of course, I should in all goodness strive to spread love in ANY situation, under the law of love. So, that card’s a bit wibbly… moving on. Love again! Though, this time, emphasizing union. There will be harmony… or should be… hm. This reading is making it seem more like my ideal dream job than what I asked for, which is something immediate… and I’m not so sure I will gain my dream job so immediately! I had thought it would take at least a few months. But I’m not ruling out this reading’s immediacy.
Lastly the reading discusses the spiritual, which is always present. I feel in need of help, and I will get it, though I should not rely on charity. (Like I would… I hate asking for help. Doesn’t mean I don’t want it, though.) There is indication that stability is coming, as this reading indicated before how the worst is over. I have desired stability all my life and never received it, for one reason or another, so… here’s hoping, Ganymede. I could also be giving to others. And the universe will want me to come to a climax, to culmination, to become a whole human being. Actual culmination and success, Ganymede? You tease me with thoughts of utopia again.
The outcome? I am shattered, crushed, vulnerable, disappointed, in ruin, humiliated, bitter, defeated, humbled. You tell me again that I view life as a cruel joke. I am left to contemplate empty victory. It is time to surrender to the awful situation, and to resign myself to loss. It is time to examine the ruin. Ganymede, you promised love and culmination- I hope I can find them through examination, even though I feel rather blind and helpless.