Friday, February 5th, 2010 Diary Entry
Once I received a horrible vision of a sort of merry-go-round of creatures. They would run around and around in this merry-go-round, and, as they did so, they would with every movement lift up the ground around them. As they did so, this would expose the creatures underneath the ground. This would cause the creatures underneath the ground extreme pain, and they would cry out to the merry-go-round runners, expressing this pain. But the merry-go-round runners could not really understand what they were doing, and never ultimately knew that they were causing pain. They did not mean to attack the creatures under the ground, but the creatures under the ground certainly felt it as an attack and went through great pains because of it.
I mention this because I feel it is akin to the ego thinking that it has an enemy when really it does not. It feels the pain, but the person did not mean to hurt them. (And sometimes I worry it is akin to what God does to us.)
Inner Kora/Ganymede watches the outer ego Kora/Ganymede judge and hate everything. Luken told me to think about this when I am having problems with judgment. Because it is of course false under his philosophy to think that “I” would judge anything, as “I” am eternal and beyond such, and “I” is a false term. The real me does not judge, only the ego judges. Well, the real me still has to watch the ego move through maya and judge it all, and… SOMEONE judges that as bad :P Suck. Which brings me to the following question I had last night.
Last night we had some drinks and Luken had been reading A New Earth as well, and so he wanted to talk about it. Which meant philosophical conversation. And I just so happened to mention that because I am still watching the maya and my ego is judging it incessantly, I don’t much see the point in awakening- at least as yet. So what if I recognize that I am watching? Maybe I would care if I did awaken to a point where that stopped, but I haven’t. And so the persons I was talking to said, “You’re afraid? Well just know that the real you isn’t afraid-” oh fuck you. And I was aware of this reaction that my ego was having to their false “attack”. So I said that I would rather be quiet now than continue the conversation. However, they took THAT as my ego- so I told them, very well- nothing I can say now will not be interpreted by you as ego, so let us finish the conversation. Be done with it. Silence. But they insisted that my wanting to withdraw from the conversation was me proving to them that I was afraid and by doing so I was exercising my ego, and they continued to try to draw me out- whether they were enemies or not, I was receiving a barrage of attacks that would not stop on all sides. There was no escape. No matter what I did, it would be ego, so I finally interrupted their constant barrage with a raised voice, saying something like, “JUST LET ME SHUT UP”. Which they were more than happy to point out as a PRIME example of ego. Because I had raised my voice, I agreed with them, but I tried then to remain silent- but they continued. I still maintained that no matter what I say or would have said in this conversation, it would have been ego. And they said that was an excuse of the ego.
So even as I am consciously aware of the ego, there is no stopping it. And so I lashed out in that moment of anger, yes, and it still bothers me on this, the next day, even if the past is not real. Because I want to learn from the past. Somehow it reminds me of the moment that one might presume that Jesus gave in to a moment of ego when he angrily knocked all of that shit over in the temple. Why did he do it? Why did I shout? Why couldn’t I have found some way out of the conversation that wasn’t ego?
Also, I remember Tolle saying something about it being okay to correct someone on facts. If person B says “the sky isn’t blue” then person A can say “the sky is blue” without ego, so long as they do not insert themselves into the mix, such as “believe me when I say the sky is blue”. So, even though I was sure that I was not afraid, they thought I was. I attempted to disengage from the conversation but they continued to insist. Perhaps whether or not I am afraid is subjective, but I honestly did not feel afraid, and I didn’t see the point in them bringing it up- when they said it, yes, my ego flared up in anger and in a desire to defend what it felt was right… a desire to get back to what was more important. But they just insisted and it all just kept degenerating- even when I wasn’t trying to defend myself, nothing I could say was not a defense! ~__~ I don’t know. What a weird conversation. It makes me angry. It makes my ego angry- wtf/e. I am not going to distinguish between myself and my ego ALL the time in language, for some of the same reasons I call you Ganymede.
The only thing of which I am afraid is that the world will continue on always as it is, which was not dependent upon what we were talking about. It is not that I was afraid of negative consequences, but wondering if there were any positive consequences. And, along with that, I would be afraid that I should be constantly trapped into defending myself, I suppose! Just a constant maya of me being angry at no escape. Unless I were to lie and agree with them; I don’t know. But I don’t want to lie. I think perhaps next time I will just respond with “bananaphone” if I cannot merely be silent. And they will probably still say it is my ego defending itself. Nothing I can do about it. Just watch it happen.
I went to an occult shop today. I thought about buying a penis candle for Dionysos and Shiva :P Another time maybe. And I am about to head out to watch myself some Dionysian activity 8D
Oh. And I tried to listen to a guided meditation today. If you can’t take the motherfucking vocal fry out of your voice, there is NO WAY I am going to want you to lead my guided meditation, mkay? Mkay.