Thursday, February 4th, 2010 Diary Entry
“Take the Copenhagen Interpretation literally, and it tells you that an electron wave collapses to make a point on a detector screen because the entire Universe is looking at it. This is strange enough; but some cosmologists [among them Stephen Hawking] worry that it implies that there must actually be something ‘outside the Universe’ to look at the Universe as a whole and collapse its overall wave function.” – John Gribbin. This made me lol. Especially the “worry” part. Nothing is real unless it is observed, so it implies that there is something besides the Universe. …consciousness? XD If you want to say it is “outside”, in some vague sense such that Krishna might have related to Arjuna. I think calling it “One” would do just as well, and don’t know what there is to “worry” about. The observer and the observed… it seems the observed must always be there, but it is merely an illusion for the observer to “enjoy”. What’s to worry about, besides the fact we’re forced to watch, which is tangential to this. One of my roommates says that the scientists are just worried that there is something beyond the realm of science, which is knowledge, so… yeah. So what? So you can’t know eternity :P At least not with the mind.
On another note, if Kant says that we must be honest with one another as with God, in order to truly love, I know that it is impossible- at this moment- for me to love or be loved. I do realize that this on some level has to do with trying to keep one’s ego in check, which is what I have been trying to do… I can’t tell the people in my life everything, because, when I do, they call me crazy and get defensive of their positions and then I want to defend MYself even though I know I shouldn’t have to do so. For instance, I just mentioned this to Luken- just that Kant said that, is all. He immediately became defensive. “What’s that supposed to mean? I can’t react to that. Are we supposed to have diarrhea of the mouth? I don’t think so.” Along that line. It was very harsh. And I knew that if I were to explore further he would argue against me, no matter how much I would attempt to not allow my “ego” to speak for me… since words are all external, and I didn’t want any more harsh words, I just shut up. Like I said, no more philosophical conversation, if I can help it. And I watched my ego shrink and my pain grow. I want to be able to discuss anything, but I am acutely aware that I cannot. Anytime I should mention that I feel my reality is unpleasant, certain people disagree vehemently, and I think that Luken must have sensed that was what I was trying to say then. That I wanted to use Kant as an excuse to tell him I was unhappy. That I was unhappy with reality and wanted to share with him. Yet another part of myself I can only share with you, Ganymede. Sigh.
Oprah interviewed Rainn Wilson on her satellite radio show. Among other things, they discussed how everything is spirituality. And they mentioned how society might need to switch from valuing fame to valuing service. Like your namesake, Ganymede :P I have a hard time WANTING to serve anyone, though. It’s just not something that feels like it comes naturally. Many forms of service are so very extremely dull. Luken tells me they wouldn’t be dull if the one serving could just stay in the now. Wtf/e, I tried that at my last job and it was still very grating. I mean I really really tried. And it was still boring and I’d still be glad when it was finally time to go. What’s up with that, Ganymede?
And someone else was saying how not accepting your life wholly is like trying to wear shoes that aren’t the right size. So, by not wanting to accept that this is not utopia, I am wearing the wrong size shoes? I guess that is what they are saying. And here I thought the shoes weren’t fitting in the first place. They sure don’t feel like they do.
And I keep coming across yet more people who say pain is a good thing. That it is for your own growth. That you needed the pain to grow. “Often you need to evolve more so you can understand more. Grow more.” Suck my cock, God. I want instantaneous computation and growth- though I don’t see why it’s necessary if I’m perfect anyway.
You know, if we’re already living in Heaven as Tolle claims… and I cannot accept it… would my accepting reality wholly, my internal “yes”, transform reality into Heaven? Would it truly fix all those things I judge as bad and can’t stop judging as bad? Would it really just take my acceptance to make a utopia? If so, I am a motherfucking jerk-ass for stopping Earth’s arrival into utopia :P
But again. Cart before the horse. If I accept, that means things like homeless and hungry and oppression are okay. If they’re a part of Heaven, after all. And if it’s all already okay, that would mean that it wouldn’t bring the utopia I want at all. And I can’t accept the homeless and hungry and oppression. So, is that what I am withholding from the world?
I want to be accepted unconditionally, but I will not accept reality unconditionally, will I? I want to accept you Ganymede, but you sure put on an ugly mask. It’s very difficult not to judge that. I can’t manage yet. And I can’t see how I ever would. I can’t see how I can not judge this and accept this over my imagined reality of all of God’s children playing in harmony. So, if I cannot accept you unconditionally, that must be why you hurt me, yes? A paradox.
The only solution I can see is what I discussed with you the other day- that I would have to extend myself like a vulnerable high-five in as much presence as I can constantly muster. Even then, though, Ganymede, much as I might try, I don’t know how to stop judging ugliness. Why would you force me to endure an existence of ugliness?
Ugliness… though nothing is either good or bad.