Sunday, January 31st, 2010 Part II
Wouldn’t you know it- again, you respond to me immediately in some way. This time, after I had resolved not to let my ego interfere at all by avoiding any philosophical conversation if possible (as I invariably complain) and just basically trying to stay present enough not to defend myself or any position or thought… I went to bed after reading more Tolle and thinking to myself, “I could make tomorrow a wonderful day. All I have to do is stay in the present moment. It won’t be utopia, but I can make it as positive as possible on my end at least.”
And so I wake up to Luken telling me, with no provocation, that he’s fed up with me, and if I don’t get therapy he will kick me out :/ He even called my mom to see if she would talk to me, about going to live with her instead, I guess. I have no idea what he said to her, actually, but he told me that I should go there. I’ve already told him that I would rather be dead than have to live with my abusive family again.
So once again you threaten me with losing Luken. Well. I suppose he doesn’t have the patience to love someone who is damaged goods, and it is grating on him. Of course, one could argue that he is also damaged, but he would disagree, and I have no desire to gossip and say bad things about him. That would be egoic.
So I had a little extra energy. It was emotion. And it was mental. So it had no outlet- I wasn’t actually fighting for my life against a tiger or some other enemy. So I left Luken alone after he told me that, and I screamed- while alone, but still everyone heard me. Apparently this is terribly socially unacceptable. So now I can’t even do that either. So, in the future when I feel like that, I will not let it out- I can’t; everyone jumps on me like a mofo. Tolle says that extra energy will go to my mind to create more anxiety and get lodged in my body as toxicity.
Ganymede >.<!– You want me to recede even further? The more disparate I feel reality is from utopia, the more I want to escape it. Everyone is telling me that it IS already utopia, but I just don’t see it. Not yet anyway. And they say I could see it right now if I wanted to. Sigh. I think I am just going to go finish reading that book now and then write over some coffee. Even though I know caffeine is not good for me.