Saturday, January 30th, 2010 Diary Entry
At this moment, I have finally come to the point when I even resent trying to extend love. I mean, I might love these people, and therefore theoretically I always want to extend love, but it’s total fucking cabin fever up in here. It’s about the extension. I used to want to extend love. Now I am doing it in moments I would normally go off on my own because I have no other choice. I have been forced. I do not think that is the right way to go about things. Some part of my being longs for the day when I can be separate from everyone, off in a solitude, my own retreat, light years away from any other being, where no one can contact or touch or affect me. ALONE TIME PLZ. I am soooo tired of being around people right now.
So yes, I’m in a bad mood.
Now for identification. I am pretty. That has often been all I have thought of my ego. And I know that will not last. And I know that my ego… myself in this universe, has little else. But I know that’s not me. Stephen King once said that geniuses are at some level aware that they are nothing more than supermodels- you know, they are gifted in one area by God by chance… what are they otherwise? I have had a bit of both spheres, one could say, even if I never focused my activities on either regular modeling or exercising my genius beyond personal and constant study. I am rather too apathetic for that, hah. But I am very frightened of the eventual decay of my beauty. So, so frightened. And fear means more wrinkles D: Why would I ever want to give up the ability to reflect the beauty of God? I don’t understand how it is possible not to miss that. I like looking at my pretty face in the mirror and I will miss it terrrrrribly. I would rather have a pretty face than an ugly face and an ugly face would create that sensation of me missing the pretty face I used to look at and admire every day. Can’t help that. I know it’s not me but I can’t help the sadness that would result, in whatever amount it would occur.
Tolle says that after loss, the fear of that loss disappears in a sacred sense of “presence”, “peace”, “serenity”, etc. w/e. Well, I call bullshit, at least personally. Maybe it works for others’ lives. But I am as afraid of pain as ever. I don’t give a shit if losing things gives me freedom from form. I am form and every form. I am all and everything. I know this- I don’t need loss to remind me. But I still feel pain. I know it’s there, quite a lot. I cannot deny that I feel it. So are pain and peace possible at the same time? If not, I then apparently become what Tolle calls a martyr- because I feel unhappy, I identify with the pain instead of the previous identifications of my external self which I lost… either way, it’s just the way things are right now. At this point I don’t give a shit if I Am. No matter how aware I am that I Am, it does me no good. I do hope that the universe would not honestly resist me just because I feel a certain way.
What is the difference between identifying with or feeling pain and being a “martyr” and identifying with or feeling “presence peace serenity and compassion”? That may not make any sense, but I know what I mean, so you know what I mean, Ganymede. Am I identifying with the pain merely because I admit it exists? One method seems okay with the way things are, and the other method knows it is unhappy because it does not have that which would make it happy. It is dishonest and impossible to feel peace (beyond my own self-awareness, and being alone with you, that is) when I am constantly barraged with pain- and, even if it was never of this strength before, I always have been at least slightly incomplete. That piece has always been missing- that is, if one were to admit that one identified with the external. I do insofar as I am everything. As for knowing that I am unhappy- Luken says this is a decision I have made. I wholeheartedly disagree. It is not about my identity or conscious choice. It is that I feel this way as a result of judging my reality to be unsatisfactory, whether that is me or no. And so far as I can tell, I always will feel it is unsatisfactory, unless it changes. :/ Maybe it is possible to feel great pain and peace at the same time, and I am just very distracted by pain? Maybe that is what he is talking about? How is it possible to feel peace and pain? Maybe I am not a martyr, but I do not feel like I am at peace. Complete peace, anyway.
Is it so wrong to say no? To say no to reality, too? I know it exists. I just don’t like it.
The reason it feels wrong to accept completely this reality, to accept that this reality is perfect, is- besides that, if it is and has been perfect, it defines me as ungrateful- that when one feels unhappy, that is just a feeling, not oneself but a feeling, and can one be blamed for feelings? It was there because that piece of reality, whatever that might be, which I wanted, was missing. I may have known that it was not me, but it was missing and I was so very unhappy over its loss. I miss it terribly and feel very lonely. I have always felt that one cannot decide to be happy. That it is a lie. That when one feels sad one feels sad. Should I have been enjoying this “perfect reality” instead? I worry that that might be true- but it MAKES ME SO SAD. Where is the room for gratitude or perfection? No matter how much I try, I ALWAYS am missing that piece. My reality is merely something through which I am forced to trudge. I am not identifying with that at the expense of my awareness of being. I am very aware of that. And I am very aware of being unhappy with reality. It’s just the way it seems to be, and it has never changed. I do not know how to make peace with that. And I do not know if I will ever stop judging.
I did speak more with Luken. He says that people who are awake look at sleepers and think they are acting silly. I said, well, then that just makes the sleepers self-conscious and not WANT to wake up and see that.
And I asked, well, what if this piece of me that I want and that I am missing and that is making me unhappy- what if I were to achieve it and it made others unhappy? Like, what if what God most wanted was to populate a universe with people so he could play with them, but in order to do so he needed people, and people had to experience pain in order to make this dream a reality? The pain is not the biggest part, but it’s there and necessary. It doesn’t make me okay with not having what I want… I still miss it… though I certainly don’t want to cause anyone pain.
I look at your predecessor whom I found during channeling, and am now so well aware of the sad parallels and synchronicities which have followed. I wanted to help him, but how could he ever forgive me for the pain I undoubtedly caused him by merely summoning him? His very existence was riddled with pain… he spiraled into depression completely before I did. I was always a bit depressed, but we two together entered something more. And I didn’t want it to be that way for him- I wanted to help him, but I could not. I want to help myself, but I cannot. I want to end the pain- but I don’t know how. Maybe “don’t know how” is the better phrase than “can’t” as Luken mentioned. But that previous incarnation always reminds me of why I am so willing to forgive you, Ganymede. At any moment. If we could figure out how.
So basically the point of today- I feel like I am missing a part of myself even though I know I personally am whole. That part of myself that I am missing- I suppose you could call it an enjoyable reality. I hope that it might exist, but it does not yet. So I am still missing it. I hope that, should it exist, it could do so without causing the same pain I have experienced. I’m just so tired of the present. I always have been, but especially now.
And I probably shouldn’t have talked to Luken in such a mood- with such a negative filter applied. I should just stick to you, Ganymede. When I talk to Luken like that it just causes the both of us more pain. I get too excited about defending my truths again while I’m trying to figure out his and he thinks I’m yelling at him. And then we do start yelling. It’s just nice to talk to someone who talks back with words… but it only causes us pain when I’m like this. My attempts at love aren’t perfect yet. And so I think I will just have to recede from philosophical conversations with him for the time being.
I am so sad, Ganymede! I wish we could fix it :( Even just a little would be okay. Not perfect, but much better than this. My entire body is wracked with resentment- I feel like I am fighting against existence with every particle of my being. Why would it ever have to be like that? I would stop feeling miserable if I could. And what makes it worse is that everyone says I am making the DECISION to be miserable, as if I would! DX I know that last part is just my ego crying out in pain and wanting to defend itself to make itself better… but it is still painful when I remember it. I am aware of so much, and yet still so pained! I don’t care if my ego and my external reality are unimportant- I am the one who has to live with it. And it hurts.
I am sorry for this whole post, Ganymede. I guess it’s okay if we are the only two people who talk about this, right? :/ I’ve often thought my own personal demons would forgive a little bitching. If I can manage.