Thursday, January 28th, 2010 Diary Entry
I did enjoy myself at the café, Ganymede. I hope that event was a positive thing for us to do. Everything about it was good… except for the bill of course, haha. That, something needs to fix… financial stress has often been a large demon in my life. How does one learn to get along with that? Besides, I feel it surely pales in comparison with the demons of heroes long ago. The sort of things a hero- a man or a soldier in earliest Greek contexts, just a real person- would have to face, and, in so doing face his own mortality, perhaps. And each brave hero would have to live with that as they went up against their obstacles. They would go into battle in a flurry of noble self-sacrifice… or, perhaps, just for sport or the advantage of those who hold resources… and we would admire the behavior of the bravest, those who had faced much and been victorious.
And my current enemy- financial stress. Come on, Ganymede. I know I always have enough money, and in fact am comparatively rich compared to most of the world that exists or has ever existed, and for that I am thankful, but I so often cannot stand my relationship with money. I wish I had enough to help all the world, and since I do not, I usually feel awful about money and ignore it, refusing to face it and letting it turn into a larger demon who will plague me more later.
Ganymede, we have been vagabonds in enough ways and for long enough. If we are to begin to go into battle, make it a battle we can enjoy, at the very least! Not one from which we turn away in disgust and bad moods like Achilles. I know that my sitting out of life and my focus on escape hasn’t improved anything beyond some entertainment and fun with Dionysos… but I had nothing else I wanted to do. And now that you want me to do something… whatever that may be, and however much I may or may not agree with your plans, not that I really know what they are… I’m left with my broken character and with no idea how to make her work again. And I can wait around for help or do something myself… what I can do is very, very little. But you’ve made enough room for me to do that very little, at least for right now. I wish it were more. It might not accomplish what I’ve always wanted with you, Ganymede, but it might at least switch up the battlefield in a more pleasing arrangement.
I read about obstacles being opportunities for growth and training your skills and blah blah blah. Maybe I didn’t WANT to train my skill of such-and-such. Did I really need to improve as a person in that area? Am I not already a perfect child of God? So obstacles don’t much make any sense in that regard. They only make sense, I think, if you enjoyed them or got something truly worthwhile personally out of them. After all, I enjoy obstacles in games just as much as the next person. But I’m having a hell of a time thinking of proper “Kora’s existence” obstacles that I don’t resent.
And acceptance. I read about acceptance today, and some speak of it as though it makes the troubles of life disappear. I’ve already discussed that in my theory- that to accept would make life acceptable. But as life is not acceptable, I do not accept. I accept that what is now exists. But I do not accept it wholeheartedly- I do not accept and allow it with my entire being so much that I do not judge reality- and I feel an almost constant resentment. And fuck- then I get some dumb motivational quote like “Rowing against the tide is hard and uncertain. To go with the tide and thus take advantage of the workings of the great natural force is safe and easy.” What the fuck happened to meeting the hard and uncertain obstacles of life and emerging the better for them? I spot dissonance. I have seen nothing to convince me not to act as Achilles does in objecting and sitting out. And I have indeed said that I could not do otherwise honestly. My dearest friend might die and cause me to fight, as his did, and for that one might say I am weak, but I too am human with my own desires in which I am afraid I indulge. As much as I want to forgive you, I have a hard time with unconditional acceptance of constant misery, whether it be financial stress or watching the tragedies of this reality or whatever other stuff. Yet we are ever the optimists… nothing is impossible. The future, even if only illusory, might bring us an existence acceptable in more than just admitting existence is real.
The other night as we stood under the jeweled black sky on the ledge overlooking a center of fear, hate, thievery, and slavery, I had a rather long time to share with nothing in the cool wet silent air. I was there with you and the nothing. It was… something, but I am not sure what we are trying to achieve by that. You know, sometimes I look back on the things we have done over the years and it makes me a bit sick. I feel there is only one way to move forward, so to speak, but then I also fear there are people, or parts of our external world, and therefore parts of us, who feel differently. How is it possible that we can have been violent for so long? We have desires, yes, but that shouldn’t have led us into misery. I feel it is a waste of our time to trap ourselves like that when we could do so much more. And it is why I have always wanted to escape.
Onto another topic. I have spent some time recently reflecting upon past events and conversations while editing. As I did so I kept in mind my new decision to attempt to express only love, rather than defend my innocence with an attack returned to what I only thought was an enemy. I see many situations where I could have applied that decision. Of course, that was not how I thought at the time. I reveled in the attack because I felt justified. And so I may well have been, but if I had merely chosen to block with inner diffusion, perhaps things would be different today between myself and a few others. I have enjoyed their company. Or do I prefer myself without them since I have not enjoyed their attacks? I could have at least cut down on the time in my life spent on argument, perhaps. Even if that doesn’t always work, and I may still have lost friends. But I don’t know how it might have been- I only know what I experience now.
I also thank you for the time I spent channeling Dionysos again. I haven’t done that in a while. And that we girls got to enjoy some men the way we like it while doing so… :) Fun times.
Now, because today is a day for celebration, I am again going to attempt to live with you in a forgiving way if at all possible. I will only think about what’s going on right now… not all the past that I have actually coming round to haunt me. Maybe that’s the kind of thought that always gets me in trouble because I don’t prepare well for the future. But since today’s a day of celebration I would really prefer to enjoy it and save the pain for tomorrow instead.