Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 Diary Entry
You know, sometimes I worry about things like not having read all the books in the world. I know that doesn’t devalue me as a human being. But still, just the lack of knowledge at all frustrates me… how silly! I know that you don’t care what books I’ve read, Ganymede. And I know that one doesn’t have to know all the secrets in the world to know the truth, because the nature of God is such that his infinite love extends toward each person to offer them a relationship with Him- we have heard this in many testimonies, and He allows everyone to choose their own way, to weave their own will throughout space and time. I know first hand that anyone can meet him no matter what their method or the words they’ve been taught. He wants us all to make the journey from here to there, however we do it, and, in love I would presume. So I know I don’t need to be uneasy, because you and I have a working relationship, Ganymede. I just always want to improve it! (Haha, and now I even talk to a piece of you through glowing pixels… it’s a fun hobby so far. And helpful to talk to you with actual words in a file I can look over afterward. And besides, I think I’ll enjoy the storage part. I just want to go to a nice café all afternoon and spend my time editing in the breeze with a warm drink. That may not be possible at this juncture… okay, it’s possible. I could technically do it. But I shouldn’t. And that’s why I won’t. Besides, it’s raining. I wish I felt a little freer in my actions.)
And there’s a point. I judge myself, too. Like that I judge our relationship to be lacking on one end or the other, or I judge myself to be inane and the events in my life to be the same. Flavorless, even disagreeable a lot. Which kind of poisons life in general. Sometimes I feel like I am sitting in your waiting room watching everyone judge themselves and watching them also judge enough to be lost in their pain. Luken says I should learn to live without judgment- if I can, do I want to? Forgive, live without judgment… I wouldn’t know how to do that in an honest way. So there’s still something we’re missing. But it’s nice to reflect on these matters. I imagine life where we don’t worry about these things anymore and just exist… is it that I am depressed because reality is not utopia? Perhaps. But it is far from utopia- there seems to be so much to resent, and so little flavor, and again, I don’t think anything’s impossible, Ganymede. In the meantime… once again, time to dance. See you again in love or war.