Monday, January 25, 2010 Diary Entry
Hi again Ganymede. Yes, I realize I have been concerned with my opinion of the judgment of others- it is because I have butted heads against it recently that I bring it up. I have heard some fairly awful things directed at me, and, while I might know myself to be myself, and know that I am just me (and I personally am okay with that)- I have heard very many negative things about myself! One might say that because I don’t do much else other than exist, it might seem as though I share the opinions of others in their judgments- including that I have a low self-esteem as they think. I only agree insofar as I am everything. Then, yes, I must agree with them because I am them, and I am somewhat disappointed. But I am also just a person who still exists as me no matter what the judgment of others, and I have you, Ganymede. And I do believe you recently told me about how my emotions are exacting a price from me, I feel crushed, and how I need to quickly find a peaceful environment so that I can heal. Well, what else is new, Ganymede? Christ. Though I do not believe anything is impossible, I do not know how to find that peaceful environment, Ganymede, so it seems impossible. For now.
You reminded me that I am always trying to make a good impression on others, though of course you say I doubt I succeed. I say- that is true- everyone wants to make a good impression because everyone wants love and comfort and safety. Or, at least, their egos want it- their false selves they carry around the place. At the same time, we want to seem above that- we want to seem mature and independent. Yet when we do not get that love, some of us turn into psychopaths… I wonder if that is quite how Cain felt. Cut off from being judged favorably and all. Why should one make the choice not to act as Cain did? Why should one act in love instead? Because, if I do act as he did, I am hurting myself. I know I don’t need others to have a favorable judgment of me or my ego to exist as me- it just makes one more comfortable in their living situation. But, I must exist without that- I am still me, and alone, and rather dissatisfied with this reality anyway. And I try to remind myself not to act as petulantly as Cain. But that doesn’t mean things have improved yet. We both know that. And I must also remind myself not to let it delve into the kind of “giving up” acceptance that I channeled once when it backfired, or when it offended me so.
You tell me that I feel I have the right to everything I hope and dream of, and become annoyed and helpless when things don’t go my way. Well, sure. Who doesn’t feel that way? And why should I not? I value myself even if no one else might… yet, I do feel annoyed and helpless a lot.
You say I feel my failures are no fault of my own, but due to the shortcomings of others. I suppose, if by that you mean my external reality being those others. But basically you accuse me of playing the victim. So be it- I could play that game of “I’m so awesome I’ll rise above it”- but why should I, especially when for the most part I don’t know how? Other than, once again, some vague hope for improvement as a result. Besides, yes- though I know that everything is in some way my fault, I know that I didn’t mean it. It is as though it were the fault of another, so far as I am concerned- or an accident.
You say I feel I am getting less than I deserve; however, I make no effort to change things, and I try to make the best of the situation. Exactly. And is that so wrong, either? Is one way better than the other? Why expend worthless energy pushing around sand one way instead of the other? Especially when I don’t think I know how.
You say I am self-centered. You say I am so very often offended, which leaves me feeling isolated. This could very well be true, although I claim that since I am everyone, I am self-centered about everyone, and consider myself just as valuable as any other being, which is very. Of course, I do always see things from my perspective. You say, although I am able to find some contentment through my sex life, I feel hopeless to change my problems and difficulties and continue to make the best of what I have. Yes, I often claim that I find my main source of joy in sex and love… and, my Ganymede, I am afraid I do feel hopeless. Sorry. Maybe that means I am broken- I broke my character!- ugh. But then that just means you’re broken too, and could that be right?
You say I insist my hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but I still need encouragement and support- and you actually claim I am an optimist- but that I will set impossible and unobtainable goals for myself. I maintain nothing is impossible. But I do feel a bit unable to do much right now. And others have told me my goals are impossible. Many certainly think so. I get enough help to get by. Even though I feel this constant duress and suffering, which is, of course, apparently all an illusion. Still I feel that I never receive the kind of help and encouragement that would help me make headway. Perhaps this is fine, because only I myself can help myself- or maybe that’s the way you want it anyway. Such thoughts are unpleasant, you know.
You say I have been extremely disappointed in the past and look at life with disgust and hopelessness. Gosh, especially since I have apparently impossible dreams I am helpless to realize in present reality, guh. <_<
You say I need a break and a chance to recover in a worry-free environment because I am disappointed and let down, and feel there is no point in making new goals as they will leave me feeling the same way. Again, comfort seems an impossibility even if I know it is not- I do indeed see little point in doing anything. I only have vague notions now.
You say I am unable to accept my entirety, which leads me to act out in an aggressive and resentful way- and that, feeling a lack of energy, I do not wish to be involved in further activity or give in to demands- and that at the same time I feel powerless, causing stress, agitation, and irritation- and I demand things go my way. Unfortunately, I do have huge problems accepting my entirety. I wish I could control myself more in my response and not be so aggressive, but I do feel resentful- and so, I so often forget to let go of an attack rather than return the attack and thereby hurt myself. And… yes, we’ve been over this powerless, helpless thing. And we’ve gone over my apathy (for which I have been judged, as well!). You do pile it on, don’t you?
Sigh. Even if all of this may seem like a schload of vague boxes, Luken and I both agree that this is in many ways accurate. And, while I’m fine with being a layabout, as I have given up on caring much about what it is that I do, I do still have my preferences. Like I said, our egos want love, protection, and survival. And so I hope for favorable impressions as do most… but I should not have to do that. I am still me, after all. A very disappointed me. I suppose I wish I could function however I desire without worrying about others in the meantime- or, apparently, this world in which I keep waking up. I used to think about that a lot. It was only when I was about twenty two that I even started losing the delusion of hope for such things as not being here… and what disparity there is between reality and my, as Luken calls it, “wishing the air were blue” or whatever. Well. Here we are.
So I suppose the whole point of this discussion of judgment and my subsequent ennui is this: I must love myself rather than hurt myself, if I desire love, since I am totality. I do know this too: I am perfectly capable of making the decision to meet the judgment with acceptance and transformation and diffusion, within myself and for myself, and only externally at the expense of my ego- so it doesn’t mean I’ll be happy. It just means I’ll be doing what’s right. So long as I can fucking remember. Yeah, I know I’m supposed to know myself and I should be completely satisfied therein or whatever- I’m just not a very good parent for myself.
On to another topic. I have been trying the past few days to think of some obstacles I have overcome that I enjoyed overcoming. It is very difficult to think of such things. Perhaps it is that my life has been easy and few things ever presented a challenge. Perhaps it is that on the rare occasion challenge does enter my life I fail. And then lastly I suppose it would be that, even if I were to succeed, if it were truly a good and challenging example… I unfailingly have an awful time and resent the whole damn thing. The obstacles in a video game = fun, but they’re hardly challenging. Life = no fun for me. Of course, since I have been trying to learn how to accept, I have tried to view life as a challenge which is supposed to be fun and exciting. While, by now, I accept that I am supposed to be here and that this is my destiny so long as I remain, I still remember the pain from my past and judge the present… this leaves an undercurrent of displeasure within me, even as I attempt to accept. If I could accept everything without judging… well, I am not sure how possible that is, even though I think nothing is impossible. I just don’t know how it could jive with the present situation. Still, there is no way to be sure that future challenges will not be enjoyable (and as I keep reminding myself hopefully, “enjoyable because they are my destiny”), but I am still not comfortable with the past, and I don’t know that I ever will be. And as for the present- the air is still not “blue”. Will I ever be able to forgive either myself or God? I don’t know. And I still feel the displeasure in the present- I just have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to do so. Ganymede, you and I are still dancing our dances, however constrained, I remind myself. And maybe that will help me to accept.