Monday, January 25, 2010 Diary Entry Part II
Wouldn’t you have guessed it, Ganymede? The moment I finished the draft I just posted for Part I today- I finished it late last night and left it for the morning for review- Luken and I went to go get some breakfast. And on the way, of course you gave me the opportunity to test out my ability to be okay with judgment. And I must say- I didn’t like it. Luken and I were discussing the nature of obstacles… we were going about it in different ways. I presume he found disgust with my position and then he proceeded to call me all manner of names and direct all manner of curses at me. I tried so very hard to stay quiet and not return any attacks. But oh, he was so insistent! He was shouting them at me for very nearly an hour. I finally could not take it anymore- he was receding from me into a position of utter hatred for me, and shoving me away from him in every way possible. I gave up my attempt to just be quiet and diffuse. I attempted to bridge the gap between us, though I tried to stay conscious of every word I spoke. It did not work immediately, and I was left to weep myself to sleep, reminded that you could tear the rug out from underneath me at any moment. And the prospect of that depresses me to a degree that is even more dysfunctional than now. I already had problems getting out of bed and making myself do something- if I were to lose Luken, as so extreme an occurrence had me sadly pondering though it was certainly not reality, I do not know what I would do. Perhaps you want me to consider that. Well, I can tell you it sure doesn’t make me happy. Perhaps you want me to be able to accept whatever future I would have without him. Right now, so far as I am concerned, that is a non-future. And as it does not exist… it does not exist :) Ah, magic.
It is not that I do not want to accept… if I accept, that makes it acceptable! But I cannot accept when I am unhappy- I can only accept myself and try to love if I may, even if only in vague increments. At this point in my life, if I were to lose Luken, how could I possibly accept reality? It would be even more unacceptable than now, and to such an extreme degree that I honestly do not know what I would do beyond spending the rest of my life (hopefully a short life) in a stupor. Yes, the thought of my fragile ego exposed to everything it hates most, lack of love, and judgment on all fronts- that bothers me too. But what bothers me more is that I would have lost everything I dreamed of, everything that I wanted to exist- I would have finally lost the last scrap of joy I have in this reality. What is existence without joy? Just a burden. A vat of sand I slough through only because it forces me to do so. And I do not want that to be my existence.
So thank you for the apology he offered this afternoon when he woke me. And for the yoga we did afterward. At least with him, I have hope of some joy in life in this present moment.
Boy, is facing demons ever exhausting. I did that in those moments, and later in reflection. I am thankful for Luken… I am thankful that we have a home and clothes in the city… I am thankful that we can afford to eat… I am thankful we have heat and electricity… I am thankful for the date I had last night with Luken watching a piece of priceless Dionysian history before our eyes- bittersweet as it was I am thankful I saw it- and I am thankful for the beer and the tasty pizza afterward, and I am thankful for the moments you hold me in your embrace, Ganymede. Is one really supposed to examine the prospect of losing something for which one is thankful quite like that? It reminds me of my opinion of obstacles in general. I know that God tears apart people all the time. So what did I gain by facing that? Yes, I am thankful. But I still have all the undercurrent frothing.
So that brings us to… what? Forgiveness? I want Luken to forgive me, yet it seems as though he cannot. This afternoon, I forgave him so very easily. I knew it was the right thing to do… yet it does not mean I have forgotten. And I know that we have discussed how I cannot forget a lot of my past- oh, why do we use memories the way we do? I do not need to hang on to all of these! And there are others I would rather have in clearer detail. Another reflection of my perception of reality- why all the bad parts and not more of the good? I project this judgment on my life, I should think. I am well aware of why one seeks out duality and light and dark and happy movies and sad movies… but I am left with, again, all this frothy undercurrent.
Do you want me to forgive you for that? It is just that if you continue to have your way with what I must forgive, I always, constantly need to forgive, because the undercurrent is constantly there. Is that kind of constant forgiveness… worth it? Everything seems to point to that, of course. It doesn’t change reality, so is that what you really want, my forgiveness? If that’s what you want, it’s not as though you come out and ask for it- you come out and knock me down or something.
I know that the most effective weapon against demons is love- and I suppose forgiveness is a part of that. So I can only hope that a forgiving attitude would defeat your attack and transmute it into something we both find agreeable. Yet, because of the notion it might not do so and might even make me suffer further, I could leave you unforgiven and even a sort of unloved in the most awful moments. Thus my forgiveness is inherently incomplete as a result. I would love to forgive you- I just don’t want to suffer for it. Who would choose an eternity of worse torment? That is what I fear. And there is no room in this fear for love, so my forgiveness must be incomplete if that is what you want. How would you like me to keep up the forgiveness, then? I really wish I could. But when I suffer, I feel I have made the wrong move! You must see that. There must be something we aren’t doing, dear Ganymede. But we’ll keep going.